Time truly is an odd thing. Our time on Earth is short, even if we manage to live 100+ years. We can hardly fathom eternity and the length of it, the fact it has no end. As human beings, we (I particularly) tend to be very impatient. We struggle to wait. Time is money. Time is a thief. Time flies. And time ticks slower when you watch the cookies bake.
3 months is not a long time at all. But it is years when you are a type “A”, high strung super organized planner and go getter type of soul. 3 months ago I was told that within 6 months time I’d need to undergo likely a trans-catheter pulmonary valve replacement (more of a placement in my case as I don’t have an actual valve at all). When I heard, “within 6 months” I could not believe how soon that would be. How short a time! How sudden it felt. And now it’s only been 3 months since this news and I feel I have progressively grown incredibly hyper vigilant of the time passing by as in this time I have undergone tests and have waited for results and plans to be made. I, in essence, have been watching the cookies bake.
I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have the power of the Holy Spirit keeping me afloat in times that feel impossible and unbearable. Because of His goodness and His perfect peace, I know that even when I don’t know - He does…and He is always good. Waiting to hear the plan for my summer surgery/procedure has been agony and has at times depleted me but by the power of God I have managed to press on for His glory, for my children, for my friends and their times of need too, and for my precious husband (who doesn’t even need me to have it all together, bless him.) But I want to be a warrior in Christ and for Christ and by Christ. I also have the joy and hope and blessing of knowing that what I am facing now is not by any means the hardest thing I could face or that I ever will face. Harder times than this will come into my life. There will be times of deep sorrow and grief that cannot be changed. I’m blessed to know I’m not facing anything terminal, I’ve not lost a loved one, my children are healthy, and that my body will be healed. I’m facing a chance to heal and have a better quality life!
12 days after my CT scan was performed in Charleston (that would be essential in determining if I am a candidate for the Medtronic Harmony Valve - the trans-catheter procedure) I went home to Greenville, SC to meet with my cardiologist. I still had not heard any word. No plan, no results from MUSC. That is because they were doing their top knotch work that has earned them their spotless reputation to make a plan (the plan God has always had in place) for my heart. I learned at this appointment that my pulmonary valve annulus was measuring 33mm. The Harmony valve device is 29mm in size. This means it needed to be determined if they could do a sort of hybrid and place first a stent in the annulus then the valve and therefore carry out a trans-catheter procedure, or is it best to just make this case an open heart surgery?
I’ll tell you…that for the past month I have been mentally and emotionally prepping myself for open heart. I just knew that to me that would feel like the worst case scenario and I needed to go ahead and get myself prepared. It’s not the “worst case” to me because it’s more invasive, though that is certainly a factor; it is more that my recovery and my pain would be greater and longer and that the way I can return to mothering and picking up my children, snuggling them close to me, chasing them, rough housing, letting them cuddle against my chest would all be restricted for a time.
When I had my last surgery in 1995, I can still remember that pain. It hurt worse than either of my C-Section recoveries. When your thoracic cavity is cracked open, it feels almost impossible from pain to turn your neck on your pillow, to lift your arm, to lift your neck to sit up….I remember the pain. I am not afraid of pain. I’m afraid of my children being saddened, scared, and not being able to hold them, cuddle them, or pick them up for even a moment. Can you imagine that? A 6 year old and a 2 year old wanting Mommy - who they spend every single day with, and having to tell them you can’t hold them for a hug? I suppose some of you can actually. Many of you have faced this or something similar in your own struggles. My heart goes out to you!
Ellie has had a particularly difficult time with knowing what’s happening. Not outwardly and not in a bold/obvious way. No tears. But she is always checking on me, asking when this case is, asking me if I’m in pain or if I will be in pain. She is concerned and I have only said to her the true things in a very gentle down played way. She doesn’t need to carry that burden more than she is already. I want her to see a strong, healthy, smiling mommy who trusts God and praises Him in all circumstances - which I so truly do. When I went down to MUSC two weeks ago, I gave Ellie and Elias one of my lung pillows that is shaped like a heart from one of my open heart procedures. I told them to hold my heart close and keep it safe and protected. If they miss me or get worried, they can hug that pillow and it will be like hugging Mommy’s heart. And I took my other pillow like that for myself and told them I would also hug my heart pillow whenever I thought of them so they could hopefully feel my love from afar. Ellie has slept with that pillow and carted it everywhere since.
Now to give you the actual news of my amazing update. Word FINALLY came in to bring me much relief from MUSC. This morning, on my way to a field trip with our homeschool friends, I received a message on MyChart Prisma from my cardiologist in Greenville that I read and re-read 5 times to make sure I saw it correctly. Her message revealed to me that I AM a candidate for a trans-catheter pulmonary valve replacement with the Medtronic Harmony Valve. She also mentioned MUSC would be calling to get it scheduled. I instantly broke down crying tears of great joy, relief, and praise! I was bawling my eyes out in the car, blaring praise music to God, hand raised high, thanking Him. I told the kids these were happy tears and I just kept praising God. The song, “Sparrows” came on and I just couldn’t feel more in the presence of God.
Then MUSC called me this afternoon and scheduled my procedure for early August! It’s all coming together, it’s all getting sorted in God’s perfect way. He allowed me to avoid open heart but I would have praised Him either way! Though I am so thankful it’s going like this! So a trans-catheter pulmonary valve replacement set for early August! Hallelujah!
So now, let’s enjoy Summer, bring on August, and get me feeling my best “me!”
