What's In A Heart?

I constantly battle the things of my heart. We all have battles with our hearts, the things our hearts desire, the things our hearts break over, and some of us, like myself, over the condition of our heart's health.

I've made it no secret in my life my conditions and my surgeries and the need for more heart surgeries in the future all because I want the small bit of world I encounter to see God in my heart. Not only God in my heart from a healing aspect, but also from a relational aspect. I love God, God loves me, I had a very sick heart, and God fixed that heart. He has allowed me to live, thus far, a long and active and happy life with very little restrictions. My life restrictions have consisted of staying away from energy drinks (I don't even like soda...I doubt I'd even enjoy an energy drink...no loss there!), taking it very easy on the coffee ( I really just like the creamer anyway...), and no decongestants when I have a cold (that's ok...I love hot baths and hot honey tea!). The only other thing that my heart has kept me from living out life normally is my physical activity. (Now this one hurts my heart..pun intended...because it is true!)

I have always loved running. Oh how I could just run and run and run! I used to run a 6 minute flat mile in 6th grade. I was asked in 6th grade to join cross country with the high school team. I held off (I'm REALLY shy!) But, I did do running club in elementary school and I would run around my neighborhood or on treadmills for fun all of the time. When I reached the eleventh grade, still ever the runner...and a strong one at that... I got to a place where I was more comfortable around others and I didn't care so much about people's opinions and if I failed - I failed giving my best, but if I succeeded - then how cool!? So, I finally, decided to join the track team. I'm not sure why I chose this over cross country...I'm a great distance runner but I struggle with sprints. I went to a two week conditioning and training daily course with the Wren High School track team to prepare for the season upcoming. I was soooo strong. I ran two miles for a warm up and I was so elated and so happy and I was finally part of something in the school besides the things I didn't really care about that I needed to help my "extra-curriculars look good."

However, there was of course one major requirement to remain part of the team and to start going forward with training for the season. A physical. A simple, every day, routine physical stood between me and my track career that I had already planned into college. I was so healthy and so strong...a physical would be cake. But, as it was, my doctor told me, despite my beautiful test results and ability to run and run well competitively, that he feared my heart would be pushed too far and too hard in the midst of adrenaline rushes and extra boosts of desire wanting to beat the other competitors. The heat, the possible dehydration, the heart rate of a runner with 3 congenital heart defects. (Especially the one that is currently presenting the biggest problem...the pulmonary valve...the one that connects to the lungs....it makes sense.) But, for me...I was devastated. And I imagine my parents were too. It was the first hard blow in a series of blows to come over my next several years that my heart was actually not completely perfect even though it had had 3 open heart surgeries to make it better. I cried and I cried and I felt ashamed and embarrassed and man...even as I sit here typing this out now I am overcome with the emotions of that time and how horrible it was for me.

It may seem simple. So I couldn't run track. There are worse things. Oh and yes ma'am yes sir! There are MUCH worse things. MUCH. I've already discovered that with the news I was given two years ago as I learned I will still need likely multiple more heart surgeries in even the near future. That having children is a huge risk. That my heart is basically supposed to continue to endure my running as I've kept it up; but we are to see how it handles the struggle of breathing and keeping up with my legs. And even knowing all of that isn't the worst thing in the world. It is certainly not easy at all for me. Especially when here lately I have read posts about CHD people who are runners with pacemakers! I don't (at this time) even have anything artificial and I wasn't allowed to run track? but...God did allow me to run many 5K's, 10K's and a half marathon and a full marathon. And for that I have been even further blessed. And I pray really hard for God's healing within His will and not mine. But, even in knowing people are struggling with much much much worse health issues or life struggles, even putting it in perspective (because I am VERY blessed), it is still not easy. And I think it is ok for it not to be easy. But what is not ok is to pout over it and sulk in it. God gave me this particular heart to glorify Him. This heart is what He is using everyday to love others, love Him, and Glorify Him. He has a home in that heart of mine. And He is using it.

I have my annual heart check up on October 6. I am prepared for several possible pieces of news. But no matter what, this is a heart for God. And God will be with me and Eric as we go and listen to my precious doctor and have tests performed and prepare for what we at this time know is to come.


I basically just want to encourage those with struggles big or small because God is there with you and He does care about all the things on your heart (even the healthy ones) ;)
God is our Savior in all types of ways. To acknowledge that is to find happiness, salvation, and strength. SO whether your heart is healthy, broken, sick, or happy...give it to God and He will be sure to live in it and keep it up for you!