Anybody who was close to me in my life around the time I was 19-22 years old can recall a period of life when I hands down never wanted children. But most of you probably don't know that side of me ever existed.
I had been conditioned by my pediatric cardiologist that I likely could never have them because of my heart, for 22 years. My current adult cardiologist changed that for me, as you know, but we will get to that later.
Because of this pre-conceived notion of pregnancy being an unwise decision, I decided I would be the world's best Aunt- aka- "Emmay" to my (at the time) only niece and nephew. I decided that I would look into a positive side of it and what a life with no children would mean. And to be very raw and honest- to the surface of my mind...not knowing how much deeper my mind could connect with my heart strings....I was really ok. So "ok," in fact, that I actually didn't even care (so I thought- again- very surface level thinking at this time for me.) I didn't want children. I would remain childless so that I could be as selfish as I wanted to be. I could travel wherever and whenever I wanted. I could stay out as late as I wanted. I could drop everything and pop off to any spontaneous event or trip. I would have all the money I wanted for the most wonderful dresses and shoes. I wouldn't get stretch marks. Sleep would always be abundant. I could have the experience of motherhood by being an aunt and yet not have the big responsibilities of motherhood. I could be and do exactly whatever I wanted if I never took on the title of "Mommy." I knew that being a mommy meant being selfless. And I was not that person. I knew it then and I know it now. My nephew entering the world was a hard lesson in my selfish nature. He took my sister's full and undivided attention away from me. He took some of my sleep, money, food, and patience. But- it was at 19 years old with little baby Jayden (my first nephew- who made me an aunt) that even though I was not a mom, that this baby was still changing me for the better. He to this day, is one of the greatest gifts God ever gave me. Though I still had no desire for a child of my own. Before Jayden, I would not have ever given anybody a french fry. Sounds silly but this is how selfish I was. Heck, I still don't like sharing my fries or popcorn but I do it because love changed me. And to love and give love is far greater than a measly fry. But that is just truly how selfish I was. The love of a little boy who wasn't even mine started to defrost my immature selfish self. Though, it took years.
My family could and would tell you that they themselves told me to never have children, that I shouldn't have children. They did not do this in an ugly way or with any mal-intentions -don't interpret this incorrectly. My sister's reasons were from much of what I described above. No person with that nature need to produce children. My parent's had mixed reasons. Mostly, they knew it would be a very large risk based on what my pediatric cardiologist had always prepared them for. They also knew how selfish I was and agreed with me when we would discuss the topic. Children were a bad idea for somebody who just wants to do whatever they want. But they also told me that it was not wrong for me not to desire children.
Let me interject this thought into the blog....it is NOT wrong to not desire children. There is 100% nothing wrong with it. Not everybody wants to be a parent and I commend those who know that fact about themselves. You cannot be a parent and be selfish. You are literally the last on the totem pole as God calls us to die to self. (Except keep your self nourished, of course!) Being selfish however, is never a good thing to be- with or without children- so if that is your heart- I encourage you to change that. In fact, one of my best friends did not want children. She is one of the most loving and nurturing and giving people I know. She didn't want children. Good for her for knowing that about herself! She didn't choose that because she is a selfish person- because she is not...she has natural selfish desires just as we all do, but her character is not that of a selfish nature by any means! Get my point here? Not wrong to not want children. Wrong to be a selfish person no matter what your life status.
I can remember getting so fed up and angry with people at work who would continually say to me..."Oh, you will change your mind!" "How could you not want a baby?!" "You'll eat your words!" "I am going to laugh when you change your mind!" I got so livid angry at these people and their comments. Do NOT tell me about myself. I said I do not want children. Why is that such a crime to people?!
Skip down the road of life a little. 22 years old. Still single. Enter: Eric Gladden. Dreamboat. Answer to my prayers. He and I start dating almost within 2 weeks of becoming friends. We were together inseparably from the night we actually met in person. I went off to the beach with my family and texted him the entire time like a long lost teenager in love. He saw photos of me and the niece and nephew and he would just melt over it. I seemed like the type of girl who was so maternal, who had it in her nature to be a mommy one day. We were texting about some of the deeper personal things one night while I was at the beach. I was in the midst of an intense game of putt-putt with the kids, wrapping up and about to go for ice cream when one way or another I bluntly said, "yeah, that is why I don't want kids." He answered back obviously shocked that I, Emily Clardy, spoiler and lover of all kids especially my niece and nephew would not desire children. I was testing him. I was being honest. Better to let him know and get out now than too late. He said something back to me along the lines of, "Wow, I would never have pictured you not wanting kids. But that is cool." So, I knew he was still interested. I figured this meant he didn't really want kids. What I did not yet know is that he was so deeply desiring of a child. He is 8 years older than I, was going through a divorce and before that had come to be, the ex had made a final decision she didn't want children even though they had previously planned to try and get pregnant the previous summer- he didn't even get a say. His chances of being a daddy were being ripped away, (this is not at all why they divorced, by the way. Eric is the most faithful, loving, and loyal person- even to those who are not). He had just been stripped, it seemed, of all chances to become a daddy and it was the one thing he wanted more than anything in the world. But, he is such a selfless person- he put his desires away and hidden and it was much later I realized his true desires.
4 months of dating. Telling all who teased us, or brought it up, or talked about it, that we didn't want children. People always reacted like we had just broke out with the plague before their eyes. So annoying. Why do people assume couples want or must have children? What's worse about those reactions are...some couples want children and have had fertility issues and that is nobody's business so they cover it up with a likely story and people show no respect. They start laying their feelings and opinions on thick to that couple. They don't do it from a place of intentional rudeness or even an ugly heart....they are just curious or making conversation....but to me, because I have been in this situation many times, is inappropriate. At this point, besides truly believing in my mind that I didn't want a child, I also, as far as I knew, could not even try to have a baby. People need to be more sensitive and not pry and mind their own dang business. FYI- I feel this way about asking couple's when they are having their "Second", as well. Not your business. You never know what is behind the intimate doors of a marriage and family. Leave them be, If they are close enough to you to confide in you, then great! Otherwise- stop asking people these questions. You may be causing people lots of pain. I actually am already annoyed with people saying to Eric and I ever since Ellie was 1 month old...."when you have your second..." "You HAVE to have at least one more..." No. Actually, we don't. And we have our reasons. So I can understand from many angles that there is pain and irritability in these questions.
But, then, Eric and I went to my new adult cardiologist whom I had never met before. I was very nervous. I had spent 22 years with the same doctor and he was like an uncle to me. She turned out to be the most amazing thing. She is wise in medicine but also in human emotion. She instantly felt like a friend who had my best interest at hand. This was the visit where she told me I would eventually need a pulmonary valve replacement (after having been told I would never need a surgery again by my former doctor just the year before- but this is why it is important to see a doctor who specializes in adults with congenital heart defects- they have a different perspective.) She also corrected the 22 years of being told children would be unlikely for me by saying I most definitely could have a safe pregnancy and would be best to have a baby before the pulmonary valve replacement if it were something Eric and I desired....one day....because we were already ready to be married, but we still were not engaged. So....we weren't planning to have a baby anytime soon....nor did I *think* I wanted any children. But it was a lot of news to take in that day. The two things I had grown up being told both turned out to be wrong. In fact I could (God willing) have a baby, and in fact I will eventually need a pulmonary valve replacement surgery. This changed everything in my mind. I remember I broke down crying in front of this precious new doctor. I couldn't hold it in. I hate crying in front of people-even my husband. I want my emotional reaction to reflect the strength I am trying to surface from within. I asked her to hold my hands and pray with me, and she did.
For the next week or so, it is definitely best to say Eric and I were in a slight state of silent shock as we processed everything. We would watch a movie together but never really see it. I would randomly cry as I sat and processed some new emotions I was having. I never wanted children. But---now, being told I could (God willing) have a baby....my heart had unlocked a door in my mind to a colorful new dream I never even knew existed within me. The trouble was, now, it was safest/best, to my understanding, to have a baby before this surgery was needed. This news all came to us almost 4.5 years ago. Her prediction at the time after having only first met me was that I may possibly need the surgery within 3-5 years from then. I was told I would likely recover quickly and do very well. Anyway, that time frame has almost ended and with additional tests to monitor my heart such as wearing halter monitors when I run, echocardiograms, and a stress test, and continuing to live a healthy lifestyle, I am not sure when the surgery will need to take place. We will just keep doing our best to keep me healthy and keep leaning on God and the wisdom of my cardiologist. But put yourself in our shoes back then....we knew at 4 months of dating we were getting married. It was not even a question anymore. However, we were not technically even engaged yet. In fact, we got engaged about 5 months after this appointment and then remained engaged for 481 days. (Way too long, don't do that.) So- my processed thoughts were this-- even if we ran down to the courthouse tomorrow and said "I do," I didn't *think* I wanted children, and if I did have children, I didn't want them right now! I wanted time to be alone with Eric as a married couple, to travel, to explore...and remember....I didn't even want kids! And now that I knew I could have them and this door was opened, I had started to imagine a life with a baby. Me. A baby. What?! Funny how God works. So why the tears? Well, naturally I was sad to know I needed more surgery as I had never been prepared for that idea. But honestly? More than anything? I was crying the most because now I was brokenhearted to know I could have babies but felt my time was limited. I felt like I would have to have a baby in the next 2 years. What did this mean? Where were these feelings coming from?? Essentially- I did not like feeling like I had the potential for the greatest most special thing and yet not having enough time to pursue it in the safest manner. I had cracked through my surface level superficial selfish ways of thinking. I knew then that I did not entirely totally not want children.Which is one way I know I may have been conditioned to feel that way. Eric's true feelings about becoming a daddy were revealed to me in this time. I could see now as I had never seen before and the truth was, this man wanted to be a daddy more than anything. He is not a very emotional guy...he is with me and romance, but overall he is a guy who keeps a lot in and does not over think anything. But he was crying. He wanted a baby and he now knew I could have one as well but he felt the time pressure too. We weren't even married!! It was not time for that yet but it was something we needed to discuss and plan. I mean what were we to do? Pray. Give it to God and see what happened.
After Eric and I overcame the initial shock of this heavy news-- we eventually started living care free lives again and we decided together that we were not putting a time table on anything. All was in God's hands. We would get married when we wanted and we would put children on the back burner for now...both content to live life without them if we had to. Though...that back burner was always remaining pretty warm....
Then one day....after a friend explained over wine the troubles she and her husband had faced with getting pregnant with their second child and what a blessing and miracle her life is, I felt the door that had been opened in my mind be burst wide open by my heart strings and the doorways flooded with pounding gushing hot warm emotion and desire. It literally just happened. I wanted to have a baby with Eric. I desired a baby. I desired to be a mommy. I desired to give Eric all he ever wanted. I desired to give up "me" and live a life with a real purpose and meaning behind it. A life I had never desired or imagined I could have.
So, the next few days later...I asked Eric if after church that Sunday he and I could have a serious discussion. And we sat and I told him how my feelings had changed, how my heart felt. But, I still didn't want a baby anytime soon. I mean, we still were not engaged even and on top of that, I would like to get married and enjoy marriage a little while first, of course. I could tell his heart was full with this change of my heart, however; he did not get his hopes up yet because we were still not technically ready or there yet. We still had things to overcome. We still had to ask my cardiologist when the time came that we were truly ready to start trying for our baby if this was still a good time and safe thing. This was still 2013.
So we got married on June 20, 2015. We traveled to Antigua and lived the life of luxury for a little over a week for our honeymoon. We went to concerts, to the beach, to Charleston, to Michigan, to Victoria, Canada, to Seattle. We had many wonderful and rare experiences. We had set a time to start a family in Fall of 2017. Until, one night in the early summer of 2016....Eric returned home after having dinner with a buddy of his who has a young son. Eric came home and hugged me and kissed me and tucked me into bed. Then, he began to softly cry and to tell me that he didn't want to wait that long. He was ready now. My eyes got huge in the darkness of our room. I was silent. I processed this information. And then I responded, "ok. The end of summer." And his precious tears dried up, and he kissed me, and he fell asleep. I was now wide awake. Planning. Thinking. Oh. My. Gosh. I was ready but it was also like....whoa....whoa!!! I mean it is the biggest life change...ever! And I knew it would be. I was excited. This was happening. And I knew I was ready, too. After years of saying "Never."
The remainder of that summer was spent preparing with my doctors to get pregnant. My cardiologist had me perform a stress test to see how my heart was functioning at this time and how it would handle pregnancy. I did very well, praise God. The cardiologist who performed the test told me he could not even predict based on the results when I would need my next surgery. My OB/GYN said all was well on her end-let's do this! Fall 2016- we got pregnant with our first baby- Ellie!
You all know well by now of how Ellie came to be and my pregnancy tales. And my social media accounts obviously show I am obsessed with her. But I wanted to tell the world this message from my own life. I look at our daughter and there are truly no words created by man that are strong enough to describe the love that I possess for this little tiny girl who cannot even speak words to me, yet. I look at her face. Her smile, Her fuzzy head. Her perfect nose. I listen to her coos and squeals of joy. How!? How in the WORLD did I ever for one moment not desire to have this...to know this kind of immense love?! How on earth did I ever think life was better owning designer dresses and shoes than creating this precious life? How did I ever think that any traveling adventure was a better adventure than this little girl?! Did I actually truly once believe my life would be cut off, over and done with if I ever became a mommy?! And I have to say, as I often think about it, if I love her this much...how much more does God my Savior love me?! Wow. But, my mind is blown that there was once a season of life when I would not even entertain the idea of children. A time in my life when I once thought that the people who had children were obviously miserable as their lives were obviously over. I cannot believe I used to think this. I am so thankful God always had a purpose for us to have Ellie- that He has a purpose for her life in this world for His glory and that purpose has begun since the day she was conceived. I am so thankful God opened my heart and my mind and my eyes to the greatest blessing and gift and thing I have ever had in my life. It is almost comical to me now to think that I actually thought worldly possessions were better than creating a life with the man I love and being able to teach this little person about love and life. On this earth, in this life God has blessed me with, there is nothing I love or cherish more than the love of my husband and daughter. "Hard days" are nothing. Truly...nothing. She is so much greater than any of the rifts of parenthood. What was I thinking before her?!
Still, I say, there is nothing wrong about couples not wanting children. But, I am thankful God changed my heart according to His plan.
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