It is hard to grasp how one single year can flee so quickly and yet contain so much. So much change, So many memories, so many developments, and so much life. One year. 365 days. A whole new wonderful and nearly perfect world.
This post is a blurby blog of all I have felt and learned in the past year from my parental perspective.
The day Ellie was born, I was bouncing per usual for 4 hours a day on a big blue rubber exercise ball in front of the TV binging on Pretty Little Liars and eating a grilled cheese sandwich. I remember then how I was cherishing the little bit of alone time I still had, while on the other hand I was truly tired of waiting to hold my baby and was ready to step into my new role and love on our girl.
Ellie came and it was the most miraculous and emotional and overwhelming day of my life. I cried with the most intense amount of joy my soul has ever known the first time I heard Ellie cry. I can still hear that first cry of hers and feel the intensity of mine. I have never in my life felt that much intense elation for someone who's little face I had not yet even seen! I have never felt so inhuman in the best sense of the word in my entire life. She was here. We actually by the grace of God, created an entire human being and she was ours from God. Her flesh is our flesh. Her personality is a mix of ours. She is our love in a human flesh that we now have the honor of nourishing further in love and most importantly bathing her and educating her in the love of Christ.
Then came the heavily anticipated by myself lack of sleep and feeling of needing someone else to take over so I could sleep, eat, and shower. I always felt like I had to choose one. I felt like a robot, a milk machine. I felt dead, mombie, and incredibly happy. I thought I would die of sleep deprivation but still loved to hold that baby girl who cried out for me EVERY 30 minutes....all around the clock. For 2 straight weeks I slept no more than a full 45 minutes a day. I barely ate. Again, food was a choice between sleep, or showering...or sleep again. Eric would literally spoon feed me while I nursed. While very happy, I was all an absolute wreck of nerves, tears, confusion, and wanting to run away for the next 6 months and come back when she was not as needy. This is my truth. It never meant I didn't love Ellie, it meant I was severely and dangerously sleep deprived and I needed my mama, sister, and husband more than anything ever.
I am SO SO SO thankful I knew myself and my needs ahead of becoming a mom. I requested no visitors until 6 weeks post partum. I requested no meals be made or delivered. And to this day I can honestly say I would do it all over again. I loved eating the food I had prepared and knowing it was healthy and full of protein and nutrients to help my body heal. I loved having the peace to get to know my daughter and learning my role alongside my husband. I loved not worrying about anyone or anything else as I tried to recover, learn, and be who Ellie needed me to be. I had no energy as it was and I don't know how I would have mustered it for visitors. For my friends who loved me for my weird ways and kindly and lovingly respected those wishes and patiently waited, I am forever grateful. Thank you for giving this new mama what she needed and for understanding your friend and her quirky ways of doing life. Thank y'all for knowing it was never personal, just the needs of a new mommy who is also super introverted. Y'all just made me love y'all more by being so so so respectful and loving and always keeping contact and asking to visit as soon as those 6 weeks ended! I was actually able to enjoy the visits then, when I allowed them and I felt more ease about Ellie being around others as well as felt a lot better physically and mentally. I had had time to get comfortable and learn what Ellie needed, wanted, and more about who she was and what worked for her. Nobody wants an uptight anxious Emmay. I even told my mom to leave one day. I actually bit her head off and yelled at her to get out and just leave! I had had 0....literally 0 minutes of sleep in over 24 hours and Ellie FINALLY decided to sleep and my mom made the smallest sounds and threw me over an edge. She, having experienced 3 open heart surgeries of mine with me, knew I am a fiesty person on drugs and no sleep. I heard her laugh at me, totally unoffended, and she told Eric good bye. My sister went to kiss Ellie's lips at 2 weeks old---after I had strictly demanded nobody touch her face when holding her. (The story had hit the news recently of a very young infant dying due to a kiss on the lips and infected with a cold sore). I hauled off and hit her on the top of her head the second I saw her lips pucker and her head lean down. She busted out laughing and said, Ok, ok ok!!! Sorry!! Don't touch my baby, y'all. So. Be thankful I didn't allow visitors because the people I loved more than anything got beaten and abused. And y'all thought I was sweet. Mama Bear don't play.
I learned from my mom in this past year not to be afraid of my infant but that I can help her learn and grow even as a 3 week old. My mama taught me early developmental exercises to do with Ellie...a way to play with her and not just leave her lying around all day. I believe that knowledge and self esteem my mom gave to me as a new mother is what has helped Ellie to thrive and be advanced in her physical and mental milestones. Yes, I am proud of my daughter and I think that is ok. All mothers should be proud of their babies and their great and exciting accomplishments. Any good mother is proud of her child! Once I learned I could play with Ellie and also help her to advance in movement, I felt happier and more rejuvenated. I felt more that I had a purpose other than to feed her and change her. My spirits were lifting. I began to look forward to her needing me and to holding her. I began to love talking to her even though she couldn't talk back. She listened. She became something so so so vitally important to me in even a deeper way than when in my tummy. And that relationship grows every single day.
The first year is a huge year of milestones and learning for both baby and parent. It is full of ups and downs and confusing stressful times.....all of which are buried and irrelevant next to the beautiful, precious, special, exciting, and funny good times your little bundle brings. And little Flicker brings us an immeasurable amount of joy. I would never want to go back to a life where she was not in it. She makes every day, even the challenging ones so spectacularly wonderful and meaningful. The other day, a snotty, badly teething Ellie lay helplessly in my arms, actually still for once and in need of snuggles. We were staring into each other's eyes in the dim room with only the creak of the rocking chair to be heard. And I realized....I don't even remember a time in the past that I would want to go back to in front of this moment right here caring for my ill little one. I mean, there are no adventures from mine and Eric's lives before Ellie together (though perfect, and romantic, and fun) that I see as more important than what adventure Ellie is for us now. We are together carrying out the most rewarding and truly meaningful adventure together of our lives.
I used to say one main reason I never wanted children was because it would mean I could not travel extravagantly anymore. Well, that is partially true...I can't just up and go to an exotic land with Eric on the drop of a dime. And I will admit, the first couple of weeks with Ellie at home, I remember thinking, what have I done?! Is this life now?! No sleep? No sanity? No putting on real clothes??? (Hello post partum depression!) But it did not take long for that to change and then to grow oddly forward in a new feeling altogether. You see, Eric and I need, as any healthy marriage needs, alone time together. I used to feel that as soon as I was comfortable with Ellie and her routine, I would leave her with my parents or my sister for a night or a weekend and Eric and I could go away. But the CRAZY thing is....when those times present themselves...I feel strangely different...well...I really don't want to experience "this" without Ellie...we could show Ellie "this" we could take Ellie "here"....etc. And Eric has agreed. It is exciting and fun to be with Ellie and we WANT to include her in everything possible. We want to sacrifice our own pleasantries so that she may have all she could ever want or need. I still want things...but more than I want for myself, I want for Ellie. Why would I spend the money on me when I know it could give her "this"? Now for those of you who think Eric and I will never go 24 hours without Ellie or are fearing we don't put our marriage before her...I promise you, we do!...we already have her set up to spend a night with my sister in GA. We are also planning, God willing, a trip for just us two in the next 2-3 years to celebrate our anniversary as well as Eric's Clemson graduation. We are also fortunate to get many dates thanks to my parents. But, yeah....basically....I really genuinely love being with Ellie and spending time playing with her and talking to her. I guess I must be too childlike as well as introverted to "need" adult conversation. I just love the company of my family all the time, and of close friends who behave like my fami;y. Ellie is a joy and I find it truly fun to get to play with her and enter her world of imagination and wonder.
I as a parent in this first year had to learn how to sooth Ellie. No baby is the same. They have the same needs, but they are still tiny humans with their own likes and dislikes and natures. I had to learn who she is and what comforts her. I had to learn what interests her and calms her. It turned out Ellie loved having her bottom patted, being bounced in my arms, and going outdoors. Ellie does NOT like to swing. Nope.
I had to learn how to teach her to self sooth and help her sleep well at night. I had to learn what her cries meant....no one cry is like another. They each have their own meaning and purpose. I had to learn how to bathe her and how to entertain her (she is not subjected to any sort of screen time).
Doing all this, going the extra step for her, has created an independent child who loves to explore and loves to learn. It is hard to not be selfish and lazy and just to let her watch something when I need to use the bathroom, or cook, or clean. But I am so proud I never gave in because I can see how greatly it has benefited her mind intellectually. She reaches for books and "reads" to herself. We play together and make up games. She makes up her own games of whatever she finds to be funny and I join in! She herself now inititates games and creates new ways to play with me!! You can see her wheels turning in her mind. The first year has taught me patience, determination, selflessness, and will power. I would do this all the same again, too.
I had to learn to be courageous, brave, and strong in so many new ways in this first year. I had to overcome so many hurdles in order to give my daughter the best life possible by allowing fear, my introverted nature, and new things to get in our way. By stepping up my confidence, I have made so many wonderful new friends while doing what I love doing and have allowed Ellie to make many many new friends, too. We try to find a million different adventures and experiences to let her mind grow upon. It has really helped in making her quite sociable and loving towards others. She is so personable!! I have to break out of my comfort zone and speak to new people in order to teach her how to be kind, loving, and sociable. But for her it is really just natural.
I had to learn that she is a baby and therefore- she is going to be confusing and weird to me sometimes. Such as when one day she is chugging 8 oz of milk 4 times a day, laying perfectly still--and the very next day, she wants to drink 4 here and there and crawl at the same time. She would scream and refuse to drink if I held her still in my lap. The girl wanted to explore and drink at the same time. That stressed me out. It was just that it all happened one day so randomly and I didn't expect it. It threw me for a loop. I actually called the doctor to see what was wrong with her. He told me she just decided to change her routine. And I was like....okkkkk......and he was right! I felt any little change in her must mean something was wrong. Turns out she was just changing and growing! Just when you think you've got this parenting thing down and all is well, the baby is sure to throw in a new kink for you to have to figure out.
I have learned it is ok to not be perfect. It is ok to set high goals and land somewhere just below perfection. Just doing your best is incredibly perfect now knowing what us mother's do every single day 24/7/365. I did not continue with cloth diapering because of moving homes, living in a very tight rental, and knowing we will be potty training about 6 months (fingers crossed) after we move in our new home (God willing- remember, I set high goals). I never found it hard or inconvenient (if we had not been working to sell a house). But I learned what was most important was not my pride, yet my sanity for the sake of our family and the care of Ellie. I am my hardest critic and I have a hard time accepting "failure" but there is not failure in doing what is best for the sake of your family. That was a big lesson this year. No mom or parent for that matter is a failure if they are giving their best to their child, being selfless and attentive and present in their lives, daily offering the absolute best you have to give.
I learned that I am not as strict as a mom as I thought I would be, nor as uptight (in most circumstances--I am still uptight and I like who I am.) I learned to go with the flow. I learned how to function when schedules are off track. I discovered I hate telling Ellie no. I want her to explore every possible thing and make the biggest mess she wants to make so long as it does not hurt her or damage anything. I have let her unroll an entrie brand new roll of toilet paper just because it made her happy to explore it as well as it was funny to her. It was not wasted...maybe not pretty, but it was still functional. I have let her play in all the mud and dirt she wants and not freak out when she eats some. Nature is so healthy for children. I have not chased her around worrying about food messes or toy messes. When she goes to bed, I clean it up. And one day, she will learn the responsibility of having a fun time and cleaning up afterwards. But her developing mind is best served by allowing this explorative play and not wasting time cleaning. (But I still clean- I believe in taking care of the blessings God gives and keeping a clean home....just after she goes to bed). I have loved seeing this in myself....letting loose and encouraging this fun and not being afraid of a mess. An important lesson this year, though a surprisingly easy one to grasp. I think it came easier because I really don't ever want to hold Ellie back. I want her to be happy and have many many experiences and dip her toes in lots of waters.....literally. Let's see who she becomes by her own desires and Godly guidance from her parents. My prayer for her every single day is that she becomes a God seeking, loving, fearing woman who loves others with the love of Jesus, works diligently, and becomes who God created her to be. I don't know what the specifics of that life looks like for her, but I know it can't be anything apart from wonderful if God is the head of it all.
I have learned that all my fears of parenthood before I met Eric were simply because I had not met the right man and raising a baby with the love of your life is what makes this adventure the most incredible thing two married people deeply in love with God and each other can do. It is not easy, it changes your marriage dynamic, but if you are with the right spouse that God designed for you, putting love above all else, it is truly the most fantastic journey and blessing. I have learned more about Eric than I ever knew. He is more patient than I could believe is humanly possible. He is so graceful, selfless, helpful, and forgiving. In our case, Ellie has strengthened our already very strong marriage, to form a deeper trust and understanding of each other. I learned I had to be vulnerable and admit when I need help and to specify what it is I need help with. I do not have to be super woman nor do I have to suffer in silence. When I am struggling, I learned I need to tell my best friend and husband so he knows how to help me so we can best help Ellie. And it is best to talk to him about what I need or how I am feeling when my emotions are not the ones speaking.
One year ago- I became a Mommy. Every single day for the rest of my life, I will be learning a new life lesson as I co-raise our baby, Ellie. The first year has come to a close. I feel nostalgic. I feel proud. I feel sad. I feel happy. There was once a time when I begged for her to grow up, baby, please grow up. But then I noticed she was doing just that. Now, her growing up is heartbreaking for this young mommy. I hope to never waste even one single day no matter how hard of life with our greatest blessing. Realizing that has really helped me be so much more gentle when she is screaming like a wild banshee and I have no idea what she wants!! She truly makes me see the light of God in a much brighter way. His glory shines through her very life into mine.
This blog is to ME and any other new/young moms.....I can proudly say, that while far far far from perfect...I am a good mommy. I am a mommy who is open to learning and growing. I am a protective mother bear. I am constantly praying over motherhood and Ellie. I am proud of the imperfect mother I am and the goals I strive for. I am thankful for Ellie!
