We park and we go to the race site and it is so crowded. If you have ever been to TR you know the main area is an adorably cute, quaint, and small, mostly easy going little place. There were over 5,000 runners and their families there. I don't know exactly why I was so "off" yesterday. It was likely my anxiety taking a hard hit on me yesterday ( I managed it well, but it doesn't change the effects I feel on my body)....but before the race even got started, I was too hot and I could not get a good deep breath. I was having to make myself yawn to breathe deeply. I had the frame of mind that I was not going to do well because I did not feel well. I was exhausted, hot, and unable to breathe deeply. I couldn't relax and just have fun, which is normally how I feel.
Waiting in my que for the race to begin, I looked ahead of me...way, way, way, up ahead to the sideline and saw my adorable husband holding our beautiful daughter. He was smiling. I don't know for sure if he saw me or not but he was smiling, and waving, and getting Ellie interested and involved, helping her to be proud of her mommy. I started welling up with happy and thankful tears. Y'all I was always sappy and sentimental but, now that I am a mommy, the feels are at an ultimate high. I thanked God right there that my family loves me so much and that they support me. Eric knew my nerves were as high as could be and he knew I was not feeling my best. He knew I was doubting myself. And he told me before I left him to enter the que, that I simply needed to have fun and just enjoy this one. Just relax and enjoy the run and not to worry about my time tonight. I held those words at the front of my mind and boy, did I need them.
The race began and to keep it kind and mild, the entire 1st mile was a doozy and a waste of energy dodging participants who did not understand race etiquette. I got all in an angry huff internally all in my mind (sorry. I'm not perfect. I have flaws and sometimes my attitude is one of them.) And that angry huff in my mind did not help my poor breathing. I burst forth ahead of this crowd but did so far too hard and I burst my "mid-race" energy all in the first mile. If you are a runner you will understand. It is frustrating when you can't break free to get going at your pace until you get past the crowd who doesn't care about their times and are apparently unaware of how to properly line up. So the first 2 miles were the hardest simply because I had expelled so much energy just trying to even get to a forward moving momentum instead of bouncing side to side to get free.
The rest was me having a hard time with me. I could not breathe well, still. Normally I thrive on hills and leave people behind as a hill approaches. I had to walk 3 times. I never walk during 5k races. I had to walk simply to take care of my body. I had to remember Eric's words and channel in a sweet and Christ like attitude over my own selfish ugly attitude. I was so frustrated and mad at myself. I am a weak human body who needs the grace, strength, power, and love of Jesus every single day. Sometimes, we won't be successful and we have to praise God for that. I am thankful God made me walk in order to take care of my body. I don't like it from a competitive view, but I still know it was the best thing to do. I had to walk in order to get air back in my lungs. I think the heat, stale air, and my anxiety had just ruined easy breezy breathing for me that evening. As soon as I could get my lungs comfortably filled back up I would run again. But, my legs were still sore from a big hill filled stroller run I had done with Ellie on Monday. Nothing about my body wanted to run last night. Not even my mind. I wanted to lay down on the road and take a nap. I actually almost stopped a few times to text Eric to just come get me. I'm done. I'm over it. I do not feel good. I can't breathe and I am worn out and my legs are not recovered enough for this race. I saw a medic truck and considered letting them take me back. Y'ALL!!! I run 5ks for breakfast. I have been running them forever!! What was happening?! I decided to just run it slow and steady and finish. If I needed a walk, so be it. Do what is best for keeping my body safe. I finished the race at 27:08. About 2 minutes slower than my best time of 25:16. I was thankful to be under 30 but disappointed in myself for that time. But, again God had grace and love for me in this time. On the sideline, cheering me to finish, was my beautiful little family again!! All smiles and pep! Eric had found Ellie a pretty pink pom-pom to wave for me and it pushed me to finish strong. I felt so loved and while I was not very proud of my performance or my body, I was proud to be the woman of this amazing little family. A family who makes me feel incredible when I feel my worst.
Ellie and I shared a banana together and then we came home and bathed Ellie up and put her to bed. Eric and I unwound together outside talking and laughing and being goofy. So while I felt my worst, did not do my best even though I gave the best I had to give, God showed me so much love and grace in reminding me that it is ok to not always "be perfect." It is ok to "fail." It is most important to take care of my body and follow the instructions and signals it is sending me, and to not beat myself up over my struggles and failures. And it is the best thing ever that no matter if you win or lose, you have love in your life to make it all count and to make it all "perfect", again.
Our next race will be a family 5k together! (Definitely not worried about time on this one! We will start at the back with the stroller!) I'm so excited!! Ellie also has her own special race attire.....
Thank y'all for loving me through my crazy little spit fire self! Until next time, loved ones!!
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