Ellie Made Me Stronger

I am a serious runner....and by serious I mean that I make goals and semi compete- at least with my own self by running several races a year. It is fun for me but also a challenge to overcome goals. 5ks, 10ks, and occasionally different marathons or fun runs. I am not a professional runner and I am not insanely fast. But by saying "serious", I mean that it is important, fun, and a big goal for me. It is a blessing that God has allowed me to be healthy and strong enough to run the distances that I do. I have no limits in Jesus' book. I have been seriously running races since I was 19.

Being able to run has been a huge blessing because in 6th grade, I was asked by one of the high school coaches to run cross country after he saw me running at school, taking it seriously, but having fun. I decided to wait (due to being very shy and quiet then) until I reached high school to pursue running as an athletic extra curricular. I participated with the track team at the start of the season in the cold weather for the first 2 weeks of training. We were asked to turn in physicals and medical clearances to be permitted to run that season. So off I went healthy as a horse to my Dr. to get a routine physical and letter of clearance. But he did not clear me. Essentially, with my heart, he feared that the extra exhilaration and adrenaline from the desire to win my race would over drive my heart and he could be held liable. So I was not medically permitted to run track. I cried and cried and at 16 years old, snuggled up in my daddy's lap and let him console me with the word of truth and listened to him explain God's plans are sometimes difficult to endure but they always have a perfect purpose. It seemed so unfair. It was a time that I did not value my heart problems and felt different and restricted. It even made me angry because I ran for miles and miles with no shortness of breath all of the time, but yet one Dr. shut down all that joy and natural talent.

I got to college and was running more than ever and stronger than ever, every single day. There was one day I decided to just park my car and run from Seneca to Central and back to Seneca. and I did it. Just because I wanted to. No training necessary. How could God give me a natural gift and not let me use it to earn scholarships or compete? I still do not know that answer. God does not always reveal His reasons, but we have to continually trust Him. I had a best friend at the time who I got into running and she began running every day with me. We then ran our very first 5k together. And from then on we ran countless races together, bought our first pro running shoes, gear, and other cool running items as it became a passion. We traveled and ran and increased our mileage. We even ran our first marathon together--one of the hardest things I have ever done....but I did it! I ran a marathon! No Dr. note needed. I constantly say I am the Nike girl -"Just Do It." And so I do.

All this to say - My best average time running has always been 28 mins for a 5k. I once did 27 but it was mostly downhill so I don't count that, haha! Not very fast but I always placed in every race I ran. I cannot run faster. It is the fastest I can possibly go with my pulmonary valve being non existent and having quite a large leak and enlarged heart. I can't get enough oxygen to breathe better, I go dizzy if I try to go any harder. I literally just can't. My pending surgery will fix this.

When I say Ellie made me stronger- I mean- before I had her, I was still running and doing the same average speed. I would run in my neighborhood which is packed with large challenging hills and could not run the entire thing without pausing for what I call 3 "legs " of the route. 3 days ago, my 5k time was 31 mins and it was basically the best I could do. I would get finished and be covered in sweat and just DONE. But I felt sonething in me surface. A desire to get back to my 28 min 5k. So I told Eric,  by the end of September I will be back at 28 mins. It will take me at least that long. The next day, I ran my neighborhood. With Ellie. Who has gotten fat and heavy praise the Lord. Haha! And her stroller. And for the first time ever- with added weight and strain- I ran the entire hood, hills and all without stopping. May seem minor, but I never have had the breathing capacity to do this. I was amazed. I could tell then I was stronger. So today, I decided--why not try? Why not go for it? I ran my 5k in  28 mins. I did it! I looked like I went for a dip in the pool...but I did it! In 3 days I achieved my goal I would have been lucky to accomplish in 2 weeks. Ellie instilled in me some new strength. I mean literally yes...I carried an extra 50 lbs on these legs when she was in my tummy...but I believe figuratively she also has put in me some desire to be stronger for her and for my family and for myself. To fight for life. To fight for my heart. To honor this body God gave me. God made me stronger by saving me and by giving me Ellie to open up a whole new world of strength in my life. I truly believe that.

I have many goals especially after having just had a baby 6.5 weeks ago. I am determined to beat the odds, the Drs. , and show this world how limitless God is. I am gonna let God use this body for His glory by striving to keep healthy, strong, and devoted to seeking Him in all aspects. Next 2 goals- Make 28 mins feel stronger, then move on to a 27 min 5k. No time limit on this goal accomplishment other than ASAP. Then I will break back into 10k running. I am very thankful God has allowed me to live so unlimited. He has made me stronger by giving me a baby--not weaker as Drs would tell you should have happened. And I may talk about that a lot but that is my story and my life and I am honored to possess it. Praises to the only one true King.

The Condition Of My Heart After Enduring Pregnancy

Before I got pregnant, I was told to prepare my mind and body that my heart would be weakened by pregnancy. Pregnancy and the strain and stress it and a delivery bring...especially when I delivered in the least preferred method for my heart's safety (C-Section) ...was expected to enlarge my heart, weaken it, causing more shortness of breath and flutters, and would bring my pending pulmonary valve replacement surgery to a closer date as my heart would be further enlarged-causing a larger pulmonary valve leak.

I have checked in with my cardiologist twice and undergone an echocardiogram since carrying and delivering Ellie. The Dr. stated I have sailed through this entire adventure. I have surpassed expectations.  The echocardiogram revealed that my heart is still very strong and though enlarged by pregnancy (in addition to my condition caused enlargement), it is recovering very well and the size is coming back down. There is no talk or estimate of when my surgery will be which I take to be a good thing. This means it is not going to be any time soon. God willing, of course!

I have been given clearance to run again though I must admit I started again anyway....I am a runner!! It is so hard to stop! It is one of the main reasons my report is this good! God is the number one reason!

The Dr. did tell Eric and I...that because the risks were already so high to get pregnant the first time, they are now even higher should we want a second baby. She told me as best as we can control it to not get pregnant for at least another two years as it would be very dangerous. Even after those two years pass, then my awaited surgery will come into play- increasing the risks even after a couple years of healing. Personally,  Eric and I feel that it is a "God thing " that we do not desire a second child and we discussed this long before we ever tried for one baby. There are just so many more risks to having a second and I want to be strong and healthy for the daughter I do have now and for Eric. People with differing opinions need not comment as frankly your opinion doesn't affect our desires, plans, or the reality of my health and the disadvantages it brings. I believe God prepared our hearts for this by not giving us a desire for more children. But mercy, are we ever thankful for our one little miracle girl God allowed us to try for then granted! If Eric and I were to become pregnant with another baby in the future against our plans and the Dr's plans- -- then we would rejoice in God knowing He had a different and bigger plan. But as of now, our decision is to be so happy and thankful for our baby Ellie and focus on keeping my heart as strong and healthy as possible so that I may have a longer life expectancy and put off surgery and all the surgeries to follow the 4th one of my life. Once they get started, then I will always need my artificial valve replaced after a matter of years. The heart can only take being cut open so many times, so.....we choose to have one baby unless God provides another miracle of His own divine plan...even if it is not our plan. It was truly a miracle we were even able to bring Ellie into the world. I hope this makes sense. But if not--my value comes from God and not the opinions of other flawed people on this earth. People like to make others feel so shamed for not doing things 100% the way they would...especially other mothers. It is really ridiculous. We pray about everything and follow where God leads us. We feel so blessed that we have Ellie, she and I are both healthy, and that I am healing well. Ellie will undergo an EKG soon to once again confirm her heart is perfect. More on that when we know!

Thank y'all for following our journey of a heart healthy life and pregnancy and praying us through!  God did this and the prayers y'all sent Him were heard and answered!

Mind Blown

I am sitting in my glider in the dark feeding Ellie her nightly start of bedtime bottle and I am looking around the nursery by only the light of her elephant lamp and sound maker. And my mind is blown. Truly truly blown.  I look into her glowing big wide eyes and listen to the sounds of her coos as she takes the milk. I created this?? This...human, this child, this little girl? God allowed me to create this life whom He created a purpose for to serve Him?!

I've said it countless times...so many in fact that at times I feel like a robot spinning out the same programmed information. About my life and how I am not supposed to be alive. But hold up....literally....I am not supposed to be alive. My heart was a medical anomaly and mystery. A true blunder to the mind. An experiment. I am NOT supposed to be alive. I was NOT supposed to be able to function if I lived. I was NOT supposed to be able to safely have a baby...for either of our bodies. How on earth can such negativity be conquored?! Jesus. Plain and Simple.

I look into the eyes of my daughter...my greatest blessing, challenge, and humbler...and I am truly overwhelmed with God's grace, faithfulness, and miracles. My existence is a miracle. It truly is. I wish everybody could hear the story from my parents...their testimony of my traumatic start at life. It is how God brought my dad to salvation. Hearing his testimony of finding Jesus became my testimony as it was through him God made my heart realize I needed Jesus. And now having Jesus' love and salvation has allowed me to live just shy of 20 years witnessing God's miracles. Including my own personal miracles.

My life, my husband, my Ellie...these are my miracles. Each has their own long story. May seem simple and may seem sappy and unoriginal. Fine. If that is how you perceive it....it does not matter...I see God when I see these things. I literally see the work of my Lord and Savior when I look at these three things and those are miracles God blessed me with that I pray I never forget or take advantage of. I want to live my life for God because He allowed me life and a nonrestricted life at that. I want to always honor, respect, and appreciate my husband privately and publicly because God blessed my deepest desires with this man. I do not always succeed at this but I strive to keep my husband only second to God always. I want to lift Ellie up to God and give Him her life because he gave her life to me. I need and want God and desire His glory in all aspects of life.

My mind is blown as I look around this nursery and see where God has brought my life that should not medically exist. I should not have life and yet I live it and have even created a life--and all with a man I love and adore and appreciate and admire more than anything else on this earth.

All this from feeding my daughter a bottle.

If you listen...if you look....you can see God everywhere. Tonight....I saw Him in a nursery.

Ellie: One Month

One month of life for Miss Ellie, One month of being a mommy and daddy! What a joy, honor, privilege, and blessing!

The first two weeks of Ellie's life were a time of figuring out nourishment, working hard to gain weight, and little to no sleep. While Ellie was a natural and excellent breastfeeder with a perfect latch, this little mama was unable to produce enough milk to help Ellie grow. She began to fall behind on the growth chart and was already smaller than expected at birth due to the cord wrapped around her neck 4 times. We made the switch to formula after 2 weeks of giving it all we had and Miss Ellie became the happiest we had yet seen her! While the decision was another tough one, it was the selfless option as pride was pushed aside and Ellie's belly could finally get satisfied. A happy healthy baby is always the best choice.  Ellie beefed up quickly as we started formula during a normal period of growth spurt. She became a milkaholic quickly! We loved being able to finally see her grow and be playful and sleep well.

Ellie smiles in her sleep. She loves tummy time. She loves to sit up straight with help and look around the room. Ellie hates bath time. Ellie loves her jogging stroller and going for long walks with mommy- she takes a good long nap. She at times will be drinking a bottle and stop to look in my eyes, stop sucking and smile. Ellie loves to have stories read to her and turns her head to listen with eyes wide open. The end of a storybook tends to bring her into a good nap. Ellie loves to stretch and kick her arms and legs. She loves front porch sitting-a true Southern Belle.

Born at 6 lbs. 14 oz. and 20.5 inches long, Ellie now is ~ 9 lbs and 21.25 inches long. Her eyelashes, eyebrows, and hair are all growing longer. Hard to say if she is dark blonde or a light brunette....my guess is the latter.

We are so thankful to God for the gift and responsibility of being Ellie's parents. Truly, I say again what a true miracle her life is. We have endured so much to be able to hold this little nugget. I spent years of my life being told I may not have the option of safely having a child--to being told I could handle pregnancy but the window of time given to us was not lining up--to being able to beat that window of time with my good health--to undergoing several pre-pregnancy diagnostics to test my body's strength--to finding out I was pregnant with little Flicker--to then having my body threaten to abort her twice--overcoming that only to have a very intense car wreck that could have been fatal for both Ellie and I if God had not intervened--to overcoming Ellie's potential high risks for congenital heart defects--to remaining heart healthy myself//handling pregnancy better than medically anticipated--to a near emergent C-Section delivery as Ellie was losing oxygen and not able to move due to the cord wrapped around her neck four times--to daily snuggling and looking into her big bright eyes! What a journey. Many years involved. Praise God.

Thank you to all who have been so kind and respectful of mine and Eric's wishes and rules as we care for our baby to keep her healthy, help her grow, following her and my doctors orders for a healthy start, my recovery and as Eric and I both adjust and learn about the joy and challenge of being parents. They may seem silly to some, (friends and I have even joked about them together) but they serve a great purpose for the well being of our daughter, and again, we are thankful for the respect and love we have been shown from our friends. It won't be too much longer until we invite our friends over to meet the newest Gladden!

And now some photos of her first month of life!!: In the first picture you can see the cord wrapped around her neck, poor baby!