Part of that is health, and part of that is desire.
Health wise, I was just so thankful God allowed my body to healthfully create a human with Eric. There were so many risks for myself and increased risks for the baby and increased chances of miscarriage. When I went into the decision to have my first child, I threw caution to the wind because I wanted it so bad, I was very healthy, and I was just so sure it would all be ok. And it was! We had a rough start with that first pregnancy, hemorrhaging for several weeks, but I remained healthy, and Ellie was born healthy, with no heart defects, strong, and just wonderful! And I always thought that was it. I considered it a miracle. A miracle to not miscarry, a miracle to remain healthy - become healthier after - stronger - a miracle that Ellie was wildly healthy....a massive perfect gift from God. And after having been told all my life I'd probably never be able to have children, you can imagine, having such a successful pregnancy and healthy baby and self - I know that all this came from God.
But that was all I ever wanted. I thought...
I'd actually get super angry inside myself when people would tease that I would change my mind. I've never appreciated people butting into my business that much and then proceeding to tell me what I do in fact want. I think its rude and annoying. And I really truly did not want to have another baby.
Something that my friends and I laugh at now is this little story: About 2/ 2.5 years ago, Eric so sweetly asked me about having a second. He wanted another. I froze, my eyes became saucers, and I stopped breathing. Eric is my husband, my best friend, my better half, and world. I will never ever tell him a flat out "no" in a decision that I truly believe is both of ours to make together. If he wants another baby, I want to consider that and I'm not going to just look in his precious eyes and tell him no. So I told him I needed to process that and then we could discuss it. I process by writing. I grabbed a blank notebook and proceeded to write with the hand skills of a 5 year old as I dashed my pen franticlly across the papers vomiting my brain out in black ink 5 PAGES FRONT AND BACK as to why I did not think a second child was a good idea. And I STILL stand by those reasons as being sound and true reasons not to have more children. I should desire and pine for a child and at that time in my life I was overwhelmed with fear. I feared 50% of those 5 front and back pages for my health and the baby's health. I'll remind you, theoretically, me having a baby should weaken my heart, enlarge it, make it work harder (as all pregnant mother's hearts do - but mine is already enlarged and damaged), I have a risk of arrhythmias, and right heart failure, it should bring my impending pulmonary valve replacement open heart surgery closer...it did not with Ellie...another miracle...but with a second, I was more aware and honed in on that possibility. What if this time I got weak and sick? My daughter needs me! I need to be around for her. It scared me that I would not be "me" and I'd be weak and sick and I'd be unable to care for either of my children.I feared that with the passed time, age, and the fact I had miraculously had a "perfect pregnancy" before that a second wouldn't be the same and the baby would be sick, have my heart defects, and that there would be so much greater risk. That was half my reasoning on those pages. The other bits were finances, wanting to be able to afford to do all with two that I do with Ellie, wanting to be able to give 100% of myself to both children and not one to feel left out ever, feeling I'd be pushed to a breaking stress point edge where I'd just be terrible to live with because I'm burned out, exhausted, and over worked by all I do ( which is my joy to do). I feared lots of little things like that. Also, I didn't want to "start over" with allllll the things I'd been able to put behind me like lack of sleep, sleep training, potty training, teaching basic life skills. Ellie was so independent at 2 and even way more now at 4....she makes her own lunch, gets herself dressed, packs her suitcase (with supervision), bathes herself, plays well by herself, etc. I was in that "good place" and could not imagine starting all the way back over. So, I worte all this down, then literally wrote only two bullet points of the pros of having a second. Looking back, I was scared, selfish (and thats ok to admit and know that you shouldn't have more children if you're too selfish because there is NO place for selfish behavior in parenthood), and I was tired. It wasn't my time and it wasn't God's time. I let Eric peruse the list and he told me that he saw my points, agreed, and it was all good and he was happy to have his family as it was. He had me believe for years on that this was how he felt. Because Eric is NEVER selfish. Seriously. Is he perfect? No, as close as a human can be, but no. But he is always way better than I am.
Fast forward a couple years. Eric and I were having our alone week as a couple at the beach. I was sitting in my chair, soaking in the sun and the sand and the ocean breeze. Eric was up at the bath house at Ocean Lakes. I can't explain how my brain even went here, but I somehow went from reading a beach book to googling "E" names for boys and girls...because y'all know we gotta keep that going...
Eric came back and had barely sat down before I hit him with, "what do you think of these names for a boy and a girl?" He paused, smirked, and laughed before I could even say the names and asked, "Something you want to tell me?" I said, "No! I'm not pregnant, just looking at names." Still we proceed and I haven't even gotten to tell him the names, he says, "Why are you thinking about that? You sure you're not pregnant?" And he was totally joking. Then I serious as a heart attack looked him in the sunnies and said, "....well....what would you think if I were?" He paused again, huge grin crept across his face, and his soft voice and demeanor said, "Well I think that would be wonderful!" Then I sat there like a bullet hit my heart....he had been masking his desires all these years since he asked me about a second. And here I sat, really asking him these questions because the Holy Spirit lit a fire in my heart at the most random time in the most random way with no warning or prior thoughts, giving me this pang to want more and expecting Eric to say "nah, we're good" after that conversation years ago, and here he is telling me his truth....he thinks it would be wonderful. And so, the next thing I got out of my mouth, "Well, what if we do? Do you want to have another one?" He sat there smiling, looking love struck, and said, "Really? Yeah! I want another one!" I said, "Why did you ever say you didn't, then?" and y'all that precious man. He told me, "I wanted to support you and I care about your health too." I teared up and just loved him even more for loving me that much. Because I never did tell him no more babies, I'd just shared with him my fears and my thoughts. And his love and patience with me was what allowed the Holy Spirit to move when He had already planned.
So then I sat there shaking, quivering, brain racing, and Eric looked the most peaceful he'd looked the whole two total weeks of vacation! I knew I needed cardiac clearance before we could go any further. I quit my birth control immediately, prayed like crazy, told my parents our desires so they could pray too, (shocking the pants off them in the process - because EVERYBODY knew Emmay was DONE). Y'all! I sold EVERYTHING!
I was so excited to start trying in July after getting a clean bill of health from my Cardi that before I was even ovulating I'd gone ahead and bought a crib, play mat, bath tub, bouncer, walking toy, baby Bjorn, and started planning my nursery (for boy or girl).
On August 1, (Ellie's birthday), I took an early pregnancy test in the cabin we had rented before Ellie was awake and while Eric was having coffee next door with his parents. Y'all I hadn't even got the magic on the stick completely yet and the thing lit up like a Christmas tree! I was SHAKING happy! I text Eric to come back to our cabin. He didn't see the text. I text him again. I sat on the screened porch rocking in my rocker as frantic and hyper as a grasshopper on crack. So impatient and so excited! FINALLY Eric waltzes over and tells me good morning and from my pocket I withdrew with shaking hand, the two (because I'm so type A, I like a digital too) sticks and I said, "I'm pregnant!!" He was shocked and excited and happy!! I told him that was fast! He said, "We know what we're doin!" 😂 Ok, that may be TMI, but you'll be alright! The world needs more happy mushy marriages!
Then we told all our family but didn't tell Ellie because of course, I was only 3 weeks and a few days. And with my risks, I wanted to have a heartbeat before I ever told her. Though, she did know we were trying to have a baby. Y'all I was positively elated and simply neurotic as at 3 weeks I quit laying on my stomach (not necessary so early), became paranoid of food I ingested, and started eating all the eggs and spinach! Haha! I mean I eat healthy anyway but I kicked it into overdrive...until morning sickness anyway. But we are past that now hallelujah.
I did begin bleeding quite badly at 4.5 weeks, just like I did with Ellie. I cried so hard. Life begins at conception and no matter how small, that life is my baby and seeing what I was seeing is so so so scary when you are so in love with your child, no matter how far along. I got into the dr by 6 weeks to be checked out as it got even worse. I was told the baby was fine, had a strong heartbeat, but I did have a sub chorionic hemorrhage. This increased my risk of miscarriage even higher, but luckily it was small. I hemorrhaged with this baby boy for about 9 or so weeks. I quit running for fear that it would hurt him even though I knew that wasn't the cause nor could I do anything to prevent....anything. I rested, and cried, and worried a lot. But by 9 weeks, my doppler was able to pick up a heart beat at home and so I was able to relieve some fears with that. All is well now.
I had my first high risk scan with the specialists as I did with Ellie. They wanted to do as early a detection as possible for any indications of heart defects. They checked his neck size which can help give clues to down syndrome and heart defects. His neck measured perfectly and so that's reassuring. I still have many check ups to go with high risk specialists, my cardiologist regularly to also monitor me. I'm running again, though much slower and only a 5k, but I'm thankful to be running. I'm still hiking, exercising, and walking with Ellie daily.
Ellie really wanted a sister and was convinced that's what she was getting. When we found out it was a boy her face dropped, she got quiet, and seemed a little sad. And that made us sad for her, but we were exicted to have a boy! One of each! It didn't take long later in that day for Ellie to come around to her brother and begin make believe playing with him and ackowledging him as "little brother" and herself as "big sister" while playing with a stick family she made outside. That made Eric and I so happy. She has been loving and excited ever since her moment of processing the news and I pray deeply that they will be best friends.
So how/why did I change my mind when I was so ADAMENT I was never having another baby? I believe first and foremost the Holy Spirit worked on my heart, and told me this was exactly what He and I both wanted. Because even when I don't understand, my desires always align with God's desires for my life...for His glory! I know that God has had this little boy planned before even I was a thought myself. I know God has big plans for him and for our family and for God's glory through our son. God called my heart to deeply desire another baby the same way I desired my first baby with exctement, pining, need. In fact, I didn't even have to convince myself, and all of my fears, while valid, were washed away. God gave me hope, faith, peace, joy, and love for another and now our home will be blessed by the love of a little baby boy, Elias James Gladden. And only God could do that. Only God can alter my flesh and fill me with the desire of the Holy Spirit for the most wonderful things. I look forward to the relationship Ellie will be able to have lifelong with her brother and knowing they will have each other even when Eric and I are gone. Thank You, God for your blessings that surpass my understanding and Your plans that are perfect and better than I could ever make for myself. Thank You, God for giving my heart this desire for this baby and that I can be healthy enough to have such. Only You, God. Only You!
