Open Heart Surgery - A Toddler's Point of View

I was pounding it out on the treadmill the other day. I lose myself in thoughts on long runs. The thought process began with never ending joy and amazement and thankfulness God has allowed my body to do this. To run. To live. To thrive. I shouldn't be here. That's what they said. The doctors. I shouldn't be alive and there is no way I should be as physically able as I am. I thought about what it took to get me here and it lead my thoughts all the way back to 1995 when I was a 4 year old having my 3rd open heart surgery. Recounting that time was eye opening to even my own adult self at what I was going through as such a little one in a scary time. I thought maybe I could type this blog to help parents of children with CHD's.

First of all, let me start by saying I actually cannot imagine what a parent of a baby with a CHD must be going through. Having a CHD is much much different than being a parent to a severely sick baby. When my husband and I were planning to start a family and hoping to get pregnant, we went into that adventure knowing I had a higher risk of miscarriage, I was high risk, and my baby had a good chance of having a CHD, too. CHD's are already the biggest birth defect affecting 1 in 100 births. Even knowing my chances, I wanted a baby and I thought if my baby did have a CHD, I would be able to handle it because I already understood what that life could look like. While that life is different for each individual, for me, that life has meant nothing much more than no caffeine and no decongestants. I have been very blessed to go from having my parents flat out told I would not survive as an infant to being a marathon running, limitless, mommy, CHD survivor. I thought, (though I would never desire such), that I could handle a child with a CHD.

The time came to do a high risk anatomy scan to check Ellie for any heart defects. This was the first moment that I really began to panic at the thought of my child having a potential CHD. It just occurred to me that her case could be totally different than mine! I had this gut-wrenching feeling that I would not be emotionally strong enough to help my sweet baby if she had a CHD. Something just really changed my feelings. It was then I realized what my parents might have felt and still do.

I was very blessed to have a little baby girl with no heart defects, which still just blows my mind and I can only praise God endlessly for this. Yet, I still look at her and wonder what would have/ could have been? How do parents do this? How did my mom do it? As a little one growing up all the way up until I met my Adult Congenital Heart Specialist as well as my husband, my parents went with me to pediatric cardiology visits. Actually, they still join me occasionally now which is actually quite normal. It is normal because they have been there from the beginning of this traumatic life event and their presence and support as well as their knowledge is the best you can have present with you. As the patient, as a child, my parents showed me equipment used on infants to get an x-Ray. It was tiny; and it was so strange to think of an infant fitting in this contraption. As a child, I thought it was interesting while my parents looked at it with horror. Horror remembering their little baby caught in this contraption whose face coiled with anguish and screams and crying. My parents were horrified watching and enduring this. But they had to. They had to be strong to take care of this very sick baby God gave them. It only occurred to me at age 26 that my parents didn't think that contraption was interesting...it haunted them. The view of a parent and toddler patient are very different. Both are very strong yet very different. And they have to be strong to push them through.

"Pigg-o-stat immobilizing device"

When I was 4 and had my 3rd open heart surgery, I remember many things very very well. It is amazing the memory one can have so young. I remember my parents talking about it before it was to happen. I remember being in our old ranch house in the living room in dim light near bed time with a suitcase that was being packed for me to go to MUSC in Charleston. I remember asking my mom questions, still not grasping what was happening. I was not scared, I was not upset. I was excited to go to Charleston. I knew I was going to see doctors and I knew I was getting a lot of attention and I liked that attention. It still did not register what was going on. I remember a nurse listened to my heart with a stethoscope a day before my surgery and she knew I had pancakes by listening to my tummy!! (I still don't know how she pulled that off, haha! But she was right!) I remember Preacher Reece, family members, and church members who were like family coming to my hotel room the night before my surgery all for me! It felt like a party! I really had no clue what was going on other than I was the center of attention and I liked it. Everybody wanted to hold me, talk to me, play with me. I turn into a little ham when all eyes are on me. I apparently got to rowdy because I remember one of my parents pulling me into our bathroom to talk with me and calm me down so that I would take this time seriously and pray quietly. They saw it as a serious time as parents. As a 4 year old patient, I saw it as a party where everybody was loving on me! I remember my parents taking me over the original Cooper River Bridge back and forth so I could enjoy the view. I remember being really really groggy and it being dark and going on the bridge....I suppose on the way to surgery?....and opening my eyes for a beat to see the architecture of my bridge. I then remember waking up in post-op. It felt like somebody had just slammed the brakes on a car (probably the bed breaks). There was a bright fluorescent light and one of those round mirrors posted at corners in halls. I remember being angry, mad, and mean. I remember I was a fighter. A male nurse (men scared me when I was little) worked with me in post op and he received the wrath of a highly ticked off 4 year old heart warrior being made to do things she did not want to do that hurt. It didn't help him that I was hungry and he wouldn't feed me anything other than ice chips! He gave me a red heart shaped pillow that he wanted me to squeeze. Um, no thanks. My chest has just been cracked open and I don't feel good. In fact I felt down right painful all over. He kindly and patiently, lovingly continued trying to get me to hug that pillow and breathe into a spirometer. I kept telling him "No!" and pushing him away. I chucked the pillow to the end of the bed.....which is amazing considering I just had my chest cracked open. "Look at that Mr. Nurse! I can't squeeze it for you but I sure can throw it!!" My mom was there beside me trying to help the nurse get me to comply. My mom had an impossible role. Here she is looking at her baby. Her sick baby who just had her third open heart surgery. She wants to hold me and make everything better. She would rather it be her. Yet, because she loves me and wanted me to recover a strong kid and a healthy kid, she pushed me. She made me mad. She made me take out ALL of my anger on her. She was a woman who was in need of all the support in the world. I guarantee you from my own patient perspective.....my mom needed more love and support than me. She was in worse pain than me. I PROMISE you this. I KNOW as both heart patient and mother now, that the parents are in far more pain than the baby undergoing the physical trauma. CHD survivors- we call ourselves CHD Warriors. We are warriors. We overcome heart disease. The number one killer of women. 1-3 women. Yet, the parents are the biggest warriors of all because they are the ones who push the warriors through. They take the biggest blows, cuts, pain. I remember my mom stayed with me in the hospital room sleeping on a tiny plastic couch. She felt so bad for me, she made a genuine offer to take me to the Miss America Pageant which I rejected for the only reason being I was mad and hurting! (I love Miss America!) My mom tells me that she remembers her making me breathe into the spirometer and taking walks up and down the halls and those things made me so mad at her. She said I "stomped off" away from her mad at her during a walk and it broke her heart because as I walked away, my head was cocked to one side because it hurt my incision to keep my head up straight. Obviously I was a fighter, and so was my mom for taking on this battle with a 4 year old only feeling bad that she couldn't help me feel better. She wasn't hurting because I was lashing out on her. She was hurting because I was in so much pain. My mom was a fighter for doing what she had to do to help her baby get well. She endured a lot more than me. Both my parents. I as a toddler blamed her because she was the one who supposed to take care of me and make everything better and being such a little girl, it did not feel that she was taking care of me. To parents in my parent's position....do what you gotta do. Your job is to be the strongest warrior of the two positions. You have to be stronger than your child who just battled open heart surgery so that you can face the winds of their abuse, pain, and your own emotional pain watching your greatest love endure something so horrendous. I believe God tasks a special type of parent to be warriors for sick children...all sicknesses. But of course, all parents are truly remarkable and warriors in their own ways.

Parents of a CHD patient. I urge you to seek God in this time and place. I now know as I am a mommy that I have the strength to be a heart warrior, but not a heart parent warrior. I couldn't imagine your role. Seek God in all things but especially in the darkest of times. God has purpose in all things! First, (easier said than done) try with all your warrior strength to be gracious to God for this hurdle. God has a plan and He wanted you to be part of it for something good. Praise Him for that. Secondly, you have to seek God's eternal perspective. For me, God has used my 3 heart defects, 3 open heart surgeries, and the chance for another open heart surgery for SO much awesomeness in my own life and for His glory and I am thankful God allowed me this journey. God allowing these things lead my dad to true salvation in the Holy Spirit. Seeing the miracles God allowed my life lead me to salvation. I've been able to be present for others who are going through these same things and serve a large community. So I encourage you, parents to just lean on God in this. It is also ok to tell Him if you're mad...He already knows. And He loves you and He is not punishing you and there is nothing you did wrong to deserve this as I am certain my own mom believed was our reason for a while.

Remember your little tiny warrior may see nothing past the superficial attention and being made to do things they don't want to do. They are confused as to what this really means. They need to be shown around their hospital, made familiar with medical supplies and equipment, and shown a drawing of an anatomical heart and repeatedly through their life told what is wrong with their heart. It does not have to be big, scientific, or forced. Just help them to find some understanding and comfort. And find a supportive group for yourself of strong people to lean on. Do NOT try to take any of this own alone....you are already doing more than anybody else could ever imagine and you are already amazing. Try to view this time through their eyes and give lots and lots of love. Do not stop being a strong and disciplined parent. For example. Sometime after my 3rd surgery, we were home and I was back to being my pistol of a self. My steri-strips were off my scar. I was being bad and daddy told me if I didn't straighten up I would get a spanking. I mouthed off to him like the best 4 year olds do..."You can't spank me, I had heart surgery!".....He reminded me he in fact could. Hahaha! I also really respected him for that and learned I was not being coddled or crippled in any way. This helped me to really thrive and become an adult who pushes boundaries physically and will not be held back. If my parents had coddled me or crippled me then I would have eventually believed myself to be too weak or "special" to do anything big. My pediatrician told me I couldn't run track. So I just became a marathon runner. I am stubborn and I will break the limits you set for me. My parents really were and still are the best at not holding me back or making me less because I am different and it has really benefit me. I can even remember asking my dad once while we were sitting down and watching TV about a child on the screen who was very very sick. I asked him, "He is sick but not as sick as my heart. Nobody is as sick as me, right daddy?" And he gently but firmly then explained to me that while my heart was not normal it is quite healthy now and there are in fact lots of people and other children in much worse sickness than me. This opened my eyes up wide as a kid to realize that there were people suffering more than I had? It reminded me and taught too, that I was very blessed and I needed to use that for good and see that I am strong and some kids never will be. My parents were warriors and served me well by loving me hard....well, sweetly, and with fun, but also hard. They were the key just after God Himself to bringing me to be the strong physical and spirited woman I am today. I hope this will encourage you parent warriors from a toddler's point of view.

my big sister and my mom

My 3rd open heart surgery

Hike it Baby One Year Anniversary

Ellie had just turned 5 mos. and I really was ernest to get her involved in new things. I wanted to find a group of mamas like me who love adventure and fitness and doing adventurous things with their kids. Through Kidding Around Greenville, I found a link that lead me to Meet Up. There, I sifted through different groups until I saw one that made my pulse pop with excitement....Hike it Baby Greenville. I clicked the link and took a bold step in my independence and decided to join the group. I signed up. Then, I found the group page on Facebook.

I started hiking immediately. My first hike was hosted by my friend Susan at Paris Mountain State Park. We did the North Lake Loop. I carried Ellie on my front in the Baby Bjorn, her diaper bag on my back, and bundled us up in tons of layers as it was icy cold. I was so nervous when I arrived to meet everyone in the parking lot. I am very shy but my mama taught me very well how to swallow my fear, stand tall, smile, and put myself out there. It has really been one of the best things she ever taught me to overcome. It has opened so many doors for my life to push past fear and shyness. And this was one of the greatest examples of that. I showed up, not knowing anyone or exactly who I was looking for. But I took a breath and put on a smile and asked a small group of women hikers with kids, "Are y'all with Hike it Baby?" And they welcomed me with smiles and my fears started to shrink. There was another newcomer and her sweet son who has become a precious friend of mine as well.

I bonded with these mamas so so so quickly and came out of my shell much faster than I would have thought possible. Halfway through the hike we paused for lunch by the lake. Ellie got really fussy needing a bottle. I had everything she needed but got really nervous trying to learn a new way to finagle making a bottle out in the woods. I have severe anxiety so I just was fumbling all over myself worried about what these other mamas would think of me trying to calm my baby and feed her...i hate a scene. It just makes me anxious. Instead, these mamas were AMAZING! lovingly, they offered to make the bottle for me, to hold Ellie for me, to do anything I needed that would help me help Ellie and be comfortable. It was so warm to feel that support in this new environment. I knew then that these mamas would be a group who would not only include me, they would help me and they would love on my Ellie.

By the time that hike ended, I truly felt a new sense of community and I couldn't wait to hike again! I didn't have Ellie signed up for as many activities and classes when we first started so we literally went to like every hike possible. My body got stronger, my confidence as a new mommy got stronger, my heart got happier, and I had other moms to spend my days with. All of my friends work so I had no stay at home mamas until this group to connect with. They really and truly evolved my daily joy and life into something so exciting and strong and beautiful. I mean, hiking in general has always been something I loved doing. I love views, physical challenges, and basking in a physical accomplishment at the top of a mountain next to a waterfall or open sky for as far as you can see, feeling as if you could reach out and touch a cloud. I love getting dirt all over me and splashing in creeks. I love seeing God's creations near my own backyard. I love relishing in the joy of this nature and our children's laughter with my mama friends beside me.

Stepping out of my comfort zone to join this crew was a really big step for me that changed mine and Ellie's lives for the better. Yet, I never wanted to host a hike because I had all these fears once again swallowing my sensitive little heart. I feared that I would have nobody show up (and sometimes that will happen and it is ok!) I feared that I would have all new hikers join and nobody I knew and I would have to try and break out of my quiet and shy shell to make new friends, I have feared that I would hike too fast for my friends (and sometimes I do), I have feared I wouldn't know what to talk about with others. But, it hit me as our one year hiking anniversary approached that its way less fun to not go on a hike and so much better to host a hike and risk these fears happening. At least you're out hiking and not hiding behind fears! Most of the time, anxious people like myself create scenarios in our heads that become traumatic and way over the top. We have to see beyond our fears and remember that everybody joining on your hike has the same goals....they want to experience nature with their kids and get out of the house. So don't chalk it up to more than that. And honestly, every new hiker I have ever met has come in and been so personable that it is easy to feel like you have known them before this first meeting. So I was really happy to finally break down my walls and host my first hike to celebrate our one year anniversary.

We did the same trail as was our first with the group. 3 of my friends came and we had PERFECT weather!! Even my fur friend, Ginger, came along!! The babies were happy and sweet, no tantrums! We wore ourselves out and enjoyed the day without care of time or anything else. I could not have asked for a better first hike to host! I am now excited to put other hikes on from small to big, to far away to right here in town.

This group has truly given me more than a hobby with Ellie...oh, so much more! I have a new family. The most loving, open, caring, non-judgmental, helpful, selfless, family to get to spend time doing one of my favorite things with weekly! I am so very thankful God directed my path to theirs! I love you, Hike it Baby Greenville (and Asheville!)

My Personal Bucket List

There is no time limit on this list in order for me to best enjoy which is the purpose. It is a bucket list for my life. I can add to it as I please. As mentioned in the previous bucket list blog, this is a list of things I can do within 3 hours of home either alone, with Ellie, or with our tribe! The purpose of this personal list is to live the life around me not holding back or just sitting at home while we are without Eric most of the week. We can't wait to start living life in this new phase. We miss him while he works so hard and is in school, too, but he encourages both of us to do whatever makes our hearts happy and these are things I want to do both with Ellie and just myself. Mine and Eric's bucket list seen on the previous blog will be one we continue to work on all of our God given days together!

- Serve at least quarterly at a kitchen, or children's home of some sort. Take Ellie if possible and teach her to serve others lovingly.

- Hike: * Graveyard Fields

            * Crowder's Mountain State Park
                    a.) Backside Trail
                    b.) Crowder's Trail to Rocktop Trail Loop
                    c.) Pinnacle Trail
                 
            * Jones Gap State Park
                    a.)  Rim of the Gap - Pinnacle Pass Loop
           
            *Caesar's Head State Park
                     a.) Asbury Trail
                     b.) Bill Kimball-Coldspring Branch Loop

            *Croft State Park
                     a.) Beech Tree Trail
                     b.) Southside Loop Trail
                     c.) Foster Mill Loop Trail to Lake Johnson Loop

             *Oconee State Park
                     a.) Tamassee Knob Trail
                     b.) Hidden Falls Trail
                     c.) Lee Falls Trail

             *Keowee-Toxaway State Natural Area
                     a.) Raven Rock Loop Trail
                   
             *Rocky Bald and Cedar Rock Trail

             *Crabtree Falls Trail

             *Max Patch
   
-Paint more canvases

-Read all the books on my book list

-Buy a kayak to use on our lake....and then kayak

-Get a long term temporary tattoo I design with my anatomical heart including my defects to see if I want to bite the bullet and have it forever on my right wrist.

-Take Ellie on a day trip to IOP and spoil her rotten...and hike with her 5 miles on the beach (any hiking mamas wanna plan a day trip this spring/summer?)

-Attend more classes at the Y.

-Achieve a big dream of mine which is so big I can't make it public. But if it happens be sure I'll let you know. I'm sure y'all know me well enough to know it is NOT have another baby lol!

Winter Wonderland Ball 2019

I have always dreamed of Eric and Ellie having romantical daddy daughter dates and was super excited to sign the two of these baby dolls up for The Salvation Army Boys and Girls Club of Greenville Winter Wonderland Ball. It was also open to Mother/Son couples.

Ellie wore a new (to her) dress from Once Upon a Child, enhanced by silvery metallic ballet flats, a winter white cardigan, a new purse from her Nana, and her rhinestone bow. Eric of course was dressed to match Ellie. That is what we do around here.

Eric and I fixed Ellie's hair together. She loves to have her hair and "makeup" done. We took photos like it was prom in Mommy's vanity area and outside on the porch as Eric gave his very beautiful princess date a bouquet of flowers. Ellie loves flowers. She sniffed them and touched them delicately. We loaded up her purse with the essentials: milk, diapers, and wipes. We loaded up the royal carriage and away they went.

Per Eric's report of the evening with enthusiastic interjections from Ellie herself, they began the evening with pizza and a cookie. The pizza was pepperoni and the cookie was M&M. They did the Cupid Shuffle, Twist and Shout, and a slow song or two in which Ellie laid her head on Eric's shoulder. He loved that. They saw friends, Marie and Noah there as well! They had pictures taken which I am waiting to get back from the event. Eric reports that Ellie dragged him around by his tie the majority of the evening. She danced and she also enjoyed sitting and observing others.

When Ellie came home, she was in her daddy's arms, clutching her purse and grinning from ear to ear. When he put her down she twirled around and danced all over the house!

I cannot wait for these two to attend two more Father Daughter dances next week with our dance studio, Sterling Studio of the Performing Arts and the YMCA. These moments are so fleeting and I am so thankful we have the chance to take every opportunity offered to create memories with our Ellie. She won't always be a little baby but she will always be our baby!

The Bucket List

I was reflecting at the start of this new year about all the years past in my life. It dawned on me that in 28 years, this is the first time I don't have some big thing, or goal, or life moment that I have planned or am aware of awaiting me some time in the next 365 days. Before, I was always looking to accomplish the next phase of school, get through college, land a job, find my dream husband, have a home, have a baby, get a dog.....well....now all of those blessings have been given and I have what feels like reached the top of the mountain and I can finally stand and enjoy the view. So this next phase of my life, God willing, is going to finally open doors for me to enjoy me, to have no big agenda, yet, do what it is I want to do (within reason of finances and family).

Nearly 6 years ago I wrote this bucket list you see pictured at the top. I wrote it for Eric and I. We were a new couple and I knew we would spend forever together. We combined our own dreams and ambitions and made a list of things we wanted to do together with our lives. A lot of these things we have done, a lot we have not. We have not done any of the traveling. (I wrote this at a time I never saw kids in my future). Some are small and can be repeated, some are grand and will be once in a lifetime and a huge deal if we can actually do it. I had this list pinned to the interior of a kitchen cabinet at our old house. Now in the new house it is stored in our family notebook that I keep and I only just re-discovered it again a few days ago.

Seeing this list reminded me and brought me many thoughts. It reminded me to not let stress of Eric being a chemical engineering student, full time employee, and very busy to not take over our love for adventure, excitement, fun, and one another. It reminded me that we have so much to do with our lives and we need to be grateful for every day! It made me think how I am now in a set and "normal" place in my life where I can finally make room for more of these to happen. With Eric. Alone. With Ellie. This list above I truly hope to accomplish out of the joy of adventure with Eric. But it has got me thinking I could make my own list for me.

A lot of the hikes I wrote on this list were hikes I had researched and wanted to do around the time I was starting my first job. Yet, none of friends at the time were local or into hiking and my parents (whom I still lived with) would never let me go alone (and I don't like to deceive them!) So, when I met Eric I was so excited to finally find a companion who could enjoy these things with me. Though, we never did go hiking together...not until we had Ellie. Now, these trails, all but 2 of them, I have done with Ellie. This makes me happy to see that I am actually getting out and exploring the beautiful places around me and I am seeing and doing exactly what I hoped to! Seeing some accomplishments of my own off this list has shown me I can have a bucket list just for me, too, alongside this one. That way I can still live life on the days and hours I am just me, or momming it up with Ellie. Life comes in phases. This is a phase of life where sadly we only see Eric and actually get to enjoy his company about 2 days a week. I miss having nothing holding us back from adventure. However, graced by his encouragement and love himself, his striving to achieve his career dreams and provide for us a better life so that we can do more on this list, does not mean I cannot achieve my own goals and find my own little adventures, too! I am so thankful for him and how he encourages this. He knows adventure and goals make me happy.

Therefore, I am constructing my own bucket list of things I can do reasonably within 3 hours of home, on my own or with Ellie or with friends. Things that make me happy. Things that push me to break limits, goals, and boundaries. Things that show me new things and new people. Things that help others. Things that benefit my own quality of joy! I have been very blessed to be able to have a flexible schedule at home with Ellie and I am going to praise God by utilizing that and exploring the world around me He created and loving His people all around me. This is a very exciting time of life...a time where I can finally say it is time to do what I want for me!! No career to respond to, no teachers' orders to comply with, no daily grind. My one boss is Ellie and she loves adventure as much as her mama so these little Gladden girls are about to rock out 2019! Never waste a breath, a moment, a chance to do something with your life. As long as my model for life remains as God first, Eric second, Ellie third, me fourth.....I believe it is ok to pamper yourself and show yourself some love too! Emmay's Bucket List is about to go down!!

2018 was an "Event Full" Year!

Get the title? I didn't encounter a soul this year who did not lovingly mention how Ellie and I hit up all the events in an hour (or more) radius. It was certainly and eventful year for the Gladdens.

When I had Ellie towards the end of 2017, I took the time I needed to get comfortable in my new role, withdrawing from the world. Only my true and closest friends were supportive and understanding of this and it really led into a beautiful start of 2018. I had the strongest friendships possible (still do) and the greatest support system as a new mother. And after I got that time I needed to figure out semi-partially an idea of what I was doing as a mother, I sought adventure. I found Hike it Baby which was one of the most pivotal things I took on this year. It gave me not just a few new friends but literally an entire tribe of super deeply rooted close friendships in other mamas who offer such wisdom, guidance, love, and best of all, pass no judgment. I love the outdoors and it has been great getting Ellie out in these adventures and having her meet new friends this year. It has been awesome for healing bad post-partum depression and anxiety, and making me a stronger person physically.

Ellie enrolled in Kindermusik, Mommy and Me Ballet, took swimming lessons, joined MOPS, and reached all kinds of wild big girl milestones. She grew so very much this year and I learned our relationship grows as she grows.

Eric and I grew stronger in our marriage through the challenges of facing 3 more semesters of school, spring, summer, fall. This most recent Fall semester was the worst and hardest both emotionally and mentally for both of us. This fall semester was a really important round of Chem-E courses and a heavy load. This meant Eric was up at like 3:30 every morning and not home ever before 9 pm every night. I got a small dose of single motherhood and this time really challenged us to open doors for communication. We napped together more than played together. But we got through it. It will not be the last semester with these challenges but we know we can do it so I can be thankful for this season of life and the opportunities it is going to bring as well as how it grew us as a couple to communicate clearly and to open our eyes to each other's hard work. I am very proud of him and his amazing grades and his incredible work ethic. He serves God, his family, his career, and his education all so selflessly. I don't know how he does it. Sleeping about 4 hours a night. That was our biggest challenge this year.

We moved into our home we dreamed up from the ground up. I dreamed up our home a scrap of notebook paper while I was pregnant and this year we finally moved in and saw that dream come true. One of our most exciting times this year!

We lost Cajun just before the move. He had to be put to sleep. He lived a long and spoiled rotten life. I didn't make a big announcement because it was really hard for Eric and I. Really hard. We may have a human baby, but fur babies really do leave a paw print on your heart. Cajun was not mine from the start. We all know I called him my step-son and we had an on going joke that I hated him. I didn't. He made life more difficult than it needed to be at times but he was really a treasure to our family, especially Eric. We had fun times and good memories when it was just me, Eric, and Cajun...and those were special times. Our big loss of the year.

One of my favorite things to do with Ellie I discovered this year was to explore all opportunities and new adventures as possible. Every new experience opens a new pathway in her brain, and the repetition of those activities establish the pathways. So I wanted to take her to everything possible I could squeeze on the calendar. It's one of the reasons I stay home with her....so we can-not-stay-home.....hahaha! The best part is, 90% of what we do is free! The other 10% is usually $10 or less! So we have spent the year going all over and doing all sorts of fun things! I think we went trick or treating 10 times. It was not about the candy. I think she had two pieces of candy....Eric the rest. Ok, ok, I ate the Reese's and Kit-Kat's. It was about getting her into the experience and honey, let me tell you!! After her first trick or treating experience, she was RUNNING from booth to booth, bag wide open, smile on her face! There were festivals with dancing and crafts and hay rides! She saw Santa about ten times too. She only cried once for Santa. Again, not about how many, but just giving her as many experiences as I possibly could! It was so fun watching her different reactions from one event to the next! I also loved seeing which events were best organized and really worth our time for future reference.

We hosted each of our parents (and briefly siblings and kids) in a beach home in Surfside for a week. This was Ellie's first beach trip and it was really a special time. We wanted her grandparents to be able to share this first experience with her. We went to Michigan for Eric's cousin's wedding and the 4th of July. We love Michigan in July. It is a break from the heat here. We went to Edisto with my family in August.

Ellie turned one this year. One of the most exciting events of the year that made me cry. I wasn't going to throw a party but I am way too much of a planner to not throw a party for her at least for the first birthday. I anticipate only hosting parties when she chooses them instead of a really once in a lifetime experience. It will always be her choice, bu I am more of experiences over parties myself.

Eric and I celebrated 5 years together and 3 years married.

It was really a very wonderful and beautiful year full of good changes and lots of growth. I have never loved my husband more and if you know how much I have loved him since I met him then you know that is an immeasurable amount. I respect him far more greatly now as I watch his hard work and constant selfless nature and I clearly see I am blessed to have a one of a kind....a true one of a kind, God given answer to prayers.

For 2019, it would seem that things are possibly "Winding down" in the sens we have no plans currently for anything new or big. School will still be a part of our lives and balancing that, but otherwise, I think now we are settled in our home after 2 years of getting pregnant, starting school, havin a baby, selling our home, renting and building a home.....things ahead finally look a little "normal". Whatever normal actually is. But Eric and I have been dreaming of our future and praying about our future and whatever God has in store. There will constantly be so much unknown. So we pray first and foremost that our lives are constantly ones full of the Holy Spirit and are seeking to glorify Him and to follow the plans He has for us. That is a big prayer because sometimes what God says is best can feel hard for us until we can see with the eyes God has looked through all along. That is why it is called faith and our faith is in Him. I pray our daily lives and 2019 would glorify God, follow His will, be full of protection, provision, happiness, forgiveness, love, strength, and pure joy. I have no big ideas or visions....like for the first time ever in my life.....no plans. Just a good year! Cheers!!!