Sunday morning, Ellie threw up in nursery. I cancelled a party I had planned to hostess with some mom friends (a night of board games) in order to keep watch on Ellie. Ellie has never been sick beyond a cold in 18 months of life. Ironically, I, who have not been sick beyond a cold in YEARS have caught all the stomach bugs....I even got hand foot mouth after a Sunday in the nursery. Blugh! But not Ellie. She has been so healthy. Naturally, I knew the time would come when she would one day be sick. That day was 3 days ago. A month ago she was diagnosed with possible ear infection but no confirmation....so prophylactic antibiotics were prescribed and administered. All was well. But 3 days ago...Ellie was sick. I mean SICK! I have babysat sick babies throwing up all over me, I have had sick nieces and nephews. Nothing prepares your mama's heart for your sick baby. It is the worst thing ever to see them so sick, refusing food, and at times drink, knowing you need to keep them hydrated, worrying about their fever, nourishment, poops, display of mood, etc. But it is very precious for them to want nothing more than to be held by Mommy, rocked, cuddled, and sang to.
We then picked up what Ellie was "throwing down" as my father in law would say...and Eric and I both within hours of Ellie and each other were all up all night in separate bathrooms and bedrooms feeling like death, not sleeping, knowing we would have to somehow continue with normal daily routines we can't excuse ourselves from in mere hours. Like for example, I can't tell Ellie I need a sick day. That is not an option. We survived on Monday, were on the mend on Tuesday, and come Wednesday, today, we were feeling our normal selves. All 3 of us.
We had started potty training as intended with Ellie on Monday because she was still her playful perky self. I made a call. It was the wrong call. Judge me.
She knew she could not potty outside of her diaper but did not find it ok to potty in her potty....so she held her tee tee and such until nap times. Long story short....I initially figured she may still have some hydration to catch up. I was really pushing fluids. (Still exhausted myself and with no appetite). 3 days of throwing up, diarrhea, potty training, not going outside, leaving the house, or doing anything other than what felt like surviving, mounds and mounds of laundry, chasing a toddler to make sure there were no accidents, and constantly worrying and fussing over getting enough hydration. Today, Ellie FINALLY went poop and tee tee 3 times in her potty and did so great! But, I had this constant fear something was not right. Ellie was crying furiously whenever she peed. Normally, she would be curious and say something like "Tee!" I wondered if she was scared? In pain? I became concerned she had possibly a UTI from holding in urine. I thought and processed and worried all day today (Wednesday).
A really precious God send new friend of mine called me today as if by a God order Himself to tell me encouraging and truthful loving words that really allowed me to see clearer. She mentioned Ellie may be in pain. She mentioned listening to Ellie's cues. She mentioned not worrying about a time table or what other kids Ellie's age may be doing. Listen to Ellie and follow her cues and my gut as a mommy. I needed to hear this and to hear it so lovingly and supportive"ly" given by one of the most precious souls God has ever put in my life was a moment when you know God is working.
It was not until I noticed Ellie was now refusing drink of any kind, shape, form, or fashion, that I began to think...it is time to call the doctor. This is just not right. I called the on call nurse who got me an appointment at The Children's Clinic (they are AMAZING btw!) And I quickly dressed Ellie and packed some drinks and snacks on a whim she may want them and out the door we went in the dark for the first time since church on Sunday to see what was wrong with Ellie. My dad had just gotten off work and he wanted to be there with us (thank goodness) (poor Eric was stuck at work and thought I meant 7:30 am not pm) so I picked my dad up on the way (love living 5 mins away!)
Ellie has learned what a doctor's exam room looks like and she is NOT a fan. You do nothing more than walk her in the room and she starts crying. They ruled out UTI. Ellie threw up on me. She had a 103 degree fever out of nowehere. She has a serious left ear infection. She also has a diaper rash (which I noticed and was caring for) that is causing her pain to potty....caused by diarrhea from her stomach bug. Potty training is officially on the wait list. Not a priority; and even though she was getting it, there is no rush.
Y'all. In 72 hours a mama can go from chipper boss babe mom to feeling like the biggest failure, overwhelmed, strung out, anxiety ridden, barely hanging on, starving from no time to eat in days, little greasy headed, no shower, no make-up monstrous looking creature who wants nothing else in this world than her child to be healthy and well again. Today I have had 25 oz of water. I have had a bowl of oatmeal. Prior to today I was sick and had no nourishment to stay in my body. I'm having dreams about potties, I'm so fried in the brain that I'm chasing Blondie around like she needs a diaper, I feel alone, defeated, like a failure, like a bad mommy, and like I've let my baby down. I feel heartache for how my child feels physically right now and wish I could take it all away with my love. I am worn out, mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I've never done more lysoling, laundry, and dishes in my life. I want to care for my family. I want to help my husband be successful and worry free. I want my child to be happy, healthy, learning, and growing with love daily. I want to be their everything and make their dreams come true and today I just feel a lot of what satan wants me to feel. Worthless.
But God whispers truth to me. He reminds me I am worth much to Him. He reminds me I have a great purpose for Him. He reminds me of His grace and mercy and new beginnings. He reminds me that I am His. He reminds me I am in the palm of His hand. He reminds me that He loves me and cares for me. He reminds me this is a phase. This is a time to learn and grow and be thankful. What should I be thankful for? I am thankful Ellie was given a clear diagnosis and a treatment. I am thankful she is safe and warm in her crib. I am thankful for my parents who drop everything to support me. I am thankful for my friends who spoke truth and love into my heart today. I am very stubborn and hard headed and I am raising a child with the same characteristics. God has to get through to me via the voices of trusted loved ones. Today God showed me it is ok to take a step back. Let the pieces fall apart so he can create a masterpiece of them. God always takes everything and builds it up better than it was before.
I've had a hard 72 hours of momming. I'm going to eat some cheesy quinoa, drink some water, and lay in my bed and wait for sweet Eric to come home from working so hard for his family. I am blessed. These days are what satan lives for but he is not victorious. That battle has already been won.
As Ellie is sick, again, I ask for healing for our baby, please. Please pray friends. And don't be southern and say you are praying if you aren't. I want reak Holy Spirit filled prayers going up to our Lord Jesus Christ over my baby, please! I love y'all.
**The photo I included always brings me to tears. First saw it when I was pregnant and to this day it reminds me of my role and who I am to Ellie. God made me her mommy particularly. Her protector and nurturer on this earth. She is God's and I am His too. He wants me to be in charge of loving her and caring for her and I could not imagine a better job for my time on this earth. I am honored and overwhelmed with gratitude to love Ellie Clardy Gladden.
