Oh My Heart!

Well I am on a heart healthy high today, y'all! Woo!! If y'all could see me today y'all would see some Pentecostal Holy dancing and hand raising, shouting and smiling to God above!!  I swear Ellie thought we were gonna bring down the house jumping and squealing like two nanny goats!!

I went to my sweet cardiologist today...can I just say what a blessing and a treasure she is?! I swear she is like a sister, a friend, and a wonderful doctor all in one. This woman basically literally has my heart.  I never like check ups, but I love seeing my doctor and her staff and look forward to it because she cares for her patients on a personal level which just keeps the communication open and is so good for heart patients. What better way to care for one's heart than to love it and have it opened up to you?

Well y'all, I just have got to keep testifying praises to the King Lord God Almighty!! I do NOT know what He has planned for my physical heart. I don't. I know one day....hopefully a long time from now...God's will is in charge of that...I will have my pulmonary valve replacement surgery. But today was SO encouraging.

My doctor really encouraged me in my health and reminded my spirit how important my nutrition and running are and how pivotal they are to my being so healthy. At this current time, we won't even have a time estimated of when to expect my surgery. Just keep living a healthy and happy life! I mean how awesome is that?! How so totally awesome is that.....my heart has not digressed since me meeting this precious cardiologist 5 years ago. I'll tell you that just is not normal or expected.

I will also tell you this: GOD baby. GOD! I know I write this constantly but how could I not?!! GOD created my life intentionally with a busted up and very sick little heart no doctor ever thought would beat more than mere hours outside the womb. God created my heart that way on purpose. God allowed my heart to be a case study to help doctors and other patients. God allowed my heart to lead my Daddy to salvation in Christ Jesus. God allowed my heart to connect me to so many unique and wonderful people and an upstate wide community. God has created my heart defective to glorify the power of His very being in ways I may never know of or see. God is allowing me the honor of one day having open heart surgery again in order to serve Him and glorify Him well. Humanly, I do not ever want surgery...I mean who does? But, my life is NOT my own. My life is passionately created for God and I feel that power and worth all over my being and soul. I know that if God does have me to have that surgery one day, that it will be to serve a great purpose for others, for me, and most importantly for His glory, for others to see His miracles, love, and power. I am not as healthy and strong as I am because of my own will. I may run and mostly eat healthy to take care of my body, but GOD is the One Who gave me the natural ability to run, find a way to breathe deeply when I run hard and far, to beat records I never thought I could, and God is the One Who has made me fierce, a fighter, a strong. You see, HIS Spirit is the one that dwells within me. My spirit is dead, but HIS is alive!! And powerful!! This is God! This is Him!!

My doctor even encourages me to be strong and better. I respect her so deeply that there are hard times when I want to give up on beating a PR or I want to take a nap but I run instead and I think, "Dr P would be so proud." I really look up to people who love me and care for me and who I respect. Her knowledge and skill is impressive, but it is her nature and manner that encourages me to keep pushing. She is like big sister vibes for me. That is what everyone needs to find in any and all physicians. True caring power.

She also makes me feel excitement about the future of my one day surgery. She has told me that my good running and active performances now will improve significantly when I get that shiny new valve. Any you know what? When she told me that...I got a little happy flush in my heart that made my the eyes of my heart see goals I can only dream about accomplishing in running. Things that I want to do but just cannot. I am here and now setting a goal for myself. Two goals actually. Because I feel so encouraged and strong in Jesus and by my Doctor and even with myself.

Pre-Surgery (Current) Goal
 **Run 5k in 23 minutes flat.** (Current best time is 24:32)

Post-Surgery/Recovery One Day Unknown Goal
 **Run 5k in 21 minutes flat.**

For those who don't know better.....30 seconds cut off a time is (at least for me) astronomically hard....especially when I spent a whole year going from 28 minutes to 24:32....and I don't always get that best time when I run. I have to really push....but I push safely. I always listen to my lungs and my body.

I have dreams of being a great runner. I believe with God and Dr. P on my side I can be what I was never allowed to be in school or by the standard of life and medicine.

*Dr. P....if you see this...thank you for helping me to defy medical rule. You are really and truly a gift from God and I hope you know how important you are to my life and my family. God made and created you so wonderfully and I am so glad for the purpose and plan He gave your life so that you may connect with me and help me and all my friends in the ACHD community.

Removing Parasites

Giggles for the someecards. It is light hearted but still...I am going to be pretty real here. The best thing I have yet learned in my adult life is this: Detach the Parasites.

This needs to be shared with anybody needing to be set free of the things that has been using you as a feeding trough, a life source, not letting you fully stand and shine in your own light and energy. It is something God has shown me in scripture, Sunday School, Worship Service, and Bible Study. I am here to testify.

I have always thought myself to be a compassionate, loving, serving, hospitable, and going out of my way friend and person. I was voted "friendliest" in high school. I have been labeled "bubbly" "happy" "perky" and "outgoing". In college, I planned all the parties (decent ones, I didn't "party") and hosted or co-hosted. I baked and cooked all the things I possibly could. I picked up the pizzas. I picked up the supplies. I did the decorating. I did the invitations. I cleaned up. Now, it always made my heart so so happy to do these things BECAUSE I loved those people I was serving so deeply. Those people loved me and poured into me the love of Jesus.

After college, began work, college friends moved away. I remained best friends with my current best friends to this day. One whom I went on to work with until I had Ellie, another who has been living away since graduating from Clemson. Work turned me into an introvert. So weird. I was the most outgoing, hosted and attended every party, went on every hike, excursion, trip, etc. Suddenly, I was tired and just loved my bed and Disney movies and cheese fries. In fact, my best friend Lauren (twin) asked me to go to the Monster Truck Rally one night in Greenville. (neither one of our ideas of a night out). I was already in pajamas and watching the Lion King and I told her no, I wanted to stay in for the night. Knowing how honest I am and not doing anything I don't want to now at this point of life, Lauren let me be. But then, I changed my mind as I remembered it was not always about what the activity content was but more about what attitude you have and whom you share the experience with. So, knowing Lauren and I could make a riot of a time out of it, I called her back and said I would go. The next thing I knew, we were wearing our "Red-neck" plaid to really embrace the evening, eating at California Dreaming looking very out of place. The Monster Truck rally was actually super super fun and we laughed soooooo hard my abs hurt so bad all the next day. It is now one of our fondest memories. This girl, is a treasure.

That experience taught me that life should be filled with people who provide the following:

    1. Excessive Laughter
    2. Truth, even when it hurts
    3. Unconditional love and forgiveness (I later really learned this one all too well).
    4. Strength and accountability in your relationship with God
    5. Acceptance of all your quirks and weirdnesses.

So, there was a time not so very long ago in my married and maternal life where I then learned that sometimes, you have to cut off any people or any things that simply do nothing but act as parasites to your joy, sucking all the life out of you. People that are not like Lauren. No friend is a friend if they constantly harp on your or put you down...even done so in a so called "sarcastic" manner. People are still created with feelings.

In my personal experience a parasite is someone or something that does the following:

   1. Sucks away your joy
   2. Drains you of all your energy
   3. Makes you feel guilty or that you need to create excuses to please them/it
   4. You have to defend them/it to outside loved one's view points
   5. Drag you down, make you play with fire in your beliefs
   6. Disrespects your beliefs
   7. Does not lift you up, strengthen you, motivate you, build you up, challenge you to improve
   8. You can never please...it is work to please...leaves you mentally and emotionally exhausted
   9. Takes offense to truth given in love
   10. Does not encourage your lifestyle in a Godly manner

When I was allowing my parasitic lifestyle to happen, I didn't realize it had begun. It was gradual. It was not until I realized how bitter, exhausted, and rude I had become, and filled with desire to hide from the parasites that I realized the "parasites" were indeed extracting from me all of my joy, energy, happiness, and making me feel worthless. Which I am not! God has shown me better than that!

But how do you remove a parasite? I can assure you no matter how gentle or abruptly you remove the parasite it is not without pain. I had hoped to slowly detach from mine. I didn't want to hurt feelings, I didn't want there to be a thought that I did not love or care for, I simply wanted to just be free of the parasites. I eventually had to abruptly jerk the parasites away because it was turning into a scab that wouldn't heal. It made me sad to feel I had possibly hurt the parasites in the process but the real truth is, the VERY SECOND I ripped it away.....I felt SO MUCH relief. It was truly as blood rushed back into my veins. My spirits were lifted, I had an outlook to a free and happy future without obligation, judgment, and a stronger relationship with Jesus. I reunited with the very best friend of my life by being able to see the love of Christ again and not the "love" of a parasite that needs you but doesn't necessarily want you. I began smiling at Wal Mart for goodness sakes!! I even started having conversations with random people again! Then, even more recently I got involved with an amazing MOPS group which is basically a bible study for moms full of love and service to others as well as each other! I even get to help in hospitality which is my spiritual gift and help lead discussions! I was not just pumping blood in my veins again, I was pumping the power of the Holy Spirit again! Emily. Sweet little Emily that I am known to be by the grace of God and my good parental raising, was back! I lost my bitter and ill-compassionate coat, my lack of desire for people, and became loving and joyful and happy and glowy, bubbly, sacrificial Emily again!! I am far from perfect, Lord have mercy, so so so far. But the best thing I can do to please the Lord is to love those parasites from afar with prayer, forgiveness, and true hope all is well. I don't have to be caught up in it, to love it. An unholy attitude would be to hate and not forgive for the parasitic ways of the parasite, but the truth is, your parasite is God's to handle and if it is a person, God loves them and so shall we...but from a safe distance. Keep this in mind. I am so glad for the adult lessons God has given me and the joy He has given me with the wonderful people in my life who let me be me as long as I am my best self in the name of Jesus! Let nobody or no item steal you or your spirit! And remember to detach in and with love of the Holy Spirit. This is not a "you suck....literally!" war. Let all you do be done to glorify God.

Ellie's First Christmas Light Experience!

EEEK!! It's the most wonderful time of the year!! And while it is not always fun to see your little baby grow up, it is occasionally such as times you get to share a new experience with them and see their faces light up, their excitement, smiles, and joy!

Everyone knows I take Ellie to LITERALLY every single event I can find for her because while I know she will not remember them at this age, each new experience or repetition of an experience creates and enhances new pathways in the brain. So, I keep her super active and explorative and she soooo loves it! Well, God willing, Christmas adventures will be no different. We are hitting up every Santa, festival, market, parade, Breakfast, toy drive, and cookie party we can!

I had to do my research on Christmas lights around us as I grew up going to a lot of places that just don't exist anymore. The families grew older, died off, and those family members left behind just didn't seem interested in keeping it all going. Not to mention Roper Mountain Lights are finished forever now, too.

I did, however, recall my childhood and a time or two with my oldest niece and nephew years ago before I met Eric, when we went to Hollywild's Safari of Lights. Not only were the lights beautiful, but the experience was top notch to us. If you go to Inman to Hollywild while they are open this holiday season, only, you must include the "deer forest" in your experience. For those who are unaware, this is an incredibly cool experience in which you drive your car in a field full of goats, deer, cows, buffalo, llamas, and sheep, and they come to your car and eat crackers that are provided for you....right from the window of your car!!! It is so so so fun! Adults will enjoy this as much as the kids. I have always loved this and was ecstatic to share this with Eric and Ellie...both of whom had never been.

Ellie was mesmerized by the lights. She stared, never blinking an eye, pointing and shouting and squealing with excitement.

When we had finished the feeding, we retired to Santa's village where we got out of our car and went to take a photo with Santa, ride ponies, feed more animals, and gather around a toasty bon fire where hot dogs and other concessions were being sold. It wasn't just a fun event, it FELT like Christmas. There was magic. We were all laughing so hard, so excited. The three of us were a bunch of kids together. I loved even the looks on Eric's face as he fed the famous "Zonkey" (Zebra + Donkey). Eric had such a childlike nature explode and it warmed my heart to see my family enjoy my own childhood memories and traditions.

Grocery Pickup is a Game Changer!

I've clearly been under a rock and y'all are probably fluently versed on grocery pick-up. Heck. They even have grocery delivery now....say whaaaa?!! But I take forever to hop on the band wagon. I hate change but eventually I come around. Even when it is a good change. As in, I also just got my first iPhone. I know, I know. Just welcome me to the club.

Anyway, I finally decided I would up my mom game by eliminating a monday'ly' task and optimize play time with Ellie by simply ordering what we need on Wal-Mart's grocery app. It was sooooo easy and mindless. Another reason I hate change, I am not much for learning new things. So old school. But it was literally mindless. I just typed what I needed and "Bam!" added it to my cart. I simply pushed a "check in" button to let W-M know I was on my way and they came out to me at my ETA...already knowing I had arrived. Like, how cool is technology?! They loaded my car up for me while I sat cozy in the heat listening to non mommy music----flashbacks of all the early 2000's pop. Oh yeah. I Ashlee Simpson'ed that Pandora. No shame in my game. I was alone....oh!! That is the best part...totally kid free. I chose evening pick-up on a Sunday night. This way, Eric is home and puts Ellie to bed, and I am home in time enough to walk into silence and relax....not that the car ride alone with my throwbacks wasn't relaxing enough. See a dork with a messy bun jamming out in a Camry singing at the top of her lungs and fist bumpin'? Oh, hey.

So....yeah....totally recommend grocery pick-up to those who are still living in the olden days like me! Hahaha! Maybe in a year or two I'll finally do grocery delivery while y'all are on to the next big design in grocery engineering and innovation! Ha!

Another 13.1 done

Well. My racing season was supposed to start back in September; however, thanks to Hurricane Florence, a violent 4 day stomach bug, and moving, I have missed 4 races. I don't know what God wanted me to get from that or if He was simply protecting me. In any event, I embraced it and thanked God for what He knows that I do not.

Yet, those races were supposed to be my friendly little warm up to doing another half marathon. I have not ran a half since 2013. I ran a full in 2014. Either way, I have ran nothing greater than a 10k in a few years. I don't ever train because running is a God given gift for me which is so cool as I am not even supposed to be alive; yet, it is true, it is a more comfortable sport if I am consistent. So, I was fully aware this 13.1 run was going to be attainable yet painful muscularly speaking. I only did a 10k to warm up ahead of time the race week. Normally I would do 10 miles, but I was right here at race week and you are not supposed to run at all the week before a big race.

I have no goals when I do long races other than to be happy and enjoy the clearness of mind, my music, and the scenery. I enjoy the fitness. Somebody once asked me at a gym, trying to get to know me, what I liked to do for fun? I lauhed and said, ummm....this?! I love fitness. It makes me happy. I am not a gym junkie, a meathead, or anything crazy.....I just really love to feel my body relax with exercise and my strength grow both mentally and physically. That can mean yoga, running, obstacle courses, dancing, anything active. Of course I love a good shopping trip, movies, and anything outdoors as well. But ask me to go running or to join in on a strenuous hike with lots of sweat and muscle gains and I am all in. Anyway. Side tangent.

So I signed up for this half which took place in Lexington, SC which is about 2 hours from home. Some friends from college days and my first years of working will know that Lexington was my weekend home before meeting Eric. My sister and her family used to live there and I was actually looking for surgical jobs and apartment searching there to be with them more than 4 days a week. But then Eric happened. Then Josh got a job in GA. So that was all she wrote for Lex. However, I decided it was time to put a long distance race back on my docket and found this half in Lex. I signed up and figured I would drive down morning of (laughs, snorts) *yeah right!* and would run and come back home. Ummmm....reality check little dreamer....you would die. I need 8+ hours of sleep. And I can't have coffee soooooo.....

....I got a hotel. I wanted Eric and Ellie with me so badly. But those who are part of our intimate circle understand how impractical that is right now with all Eric has on his plate this current semester. Like...if Eric's current load in life was a literal plate of food.....even the fattest man/ woman (not to discriminate, lol!) would not be able to finish the plate of food. It is so much. So, I know he would support me from afar and I as his wife supported him by not making a big deal of him coming with me because I know he needs rest, Ellie time, and time to accomplish other daily living tasks that get put on the back burner during the week that only he can handle. Not to mention the drive and the time of the race would just be miserable for little Ellie and she doesn't need to sit out in that. That being said, this was my first race ever not having a cheerleader or a running partner. All alone. A few nerves ensued. I wanted my pre-race Eric good luck kiss. I wanted to see Ellie looking at me proudly. But, it was peaceful on one hand because I was back in a place that used to be home to me as well as able to do whatever I wanted for one whole night without anybody needing me. So what did I do pre-race night? Got outback cheese fries, put on cozy jammies, and laid in the middle of a fluffy king sized bed with a pillow fort and watched HGTV. Not too shabby!

The race itself was incredible. Like so so good. Very well organized, clear and apparent path markings, lots of cheerleading, hydration every mile, and an awesome finish and medal. I imagined Eric and Ellie and Pam at every big milestone. I pictured them at the finish. I broke my own 13.1 time and I broke 2 hours. I finished the race in 1 hour and 58 minutes. I never stopped running other than to drink water from miles 9-13.1. I never felt bad but naturally was ready for it to be over. I was entertained by seeing how much my little town had changed and grown. I was all alone with no runners in sight in front of or behind me for about 3 miles. It was very relaxing. I just felt calm which helped me to breathe so well, which helped me to run very well. After crossing the finish line...I jello wobbled up some stadium stairs, and got in my car to drive home to my family. I took an epsom salt bath and relaxed the rest of the day with my fam. It felt good to be back at it. I think I will run at least one half a year instead of having a 5 year gap between the big races. I have ran a full marathon but honestly after 16 miles it just sucked. I may do one again but only with Pam. Half's are where it's at for me!

Grace

We know that God is gracious as He pardoned all of our sins because He loves us more than our complete un-holy natures. As a follower of Christ, I am meant to be a gracious person. But I am human and have many flawed areas in my human nature composition. I don't give others much space for error when it affects me. I am a very loving and kind person, but not easily a gracious person. I set expectations in my mind and I find it hard to divert from those when the product is sub-par. I am not gracious with myself, either.

So, God gave each of us here on earth other Christian brothers and sisters who help *gracefully* direct each other into a better place with our Spirit. For me, without her even knowing it, mine is my dear friend, Anna Bargeron. Anna is my hiking friend, mom friend, and my family photographer for life. But she is also the brightest example of Jesus I have encountered in a long time and she is refreshing to be around. I recently heard a tale from other hiking mom friends of a hike in which Anna and her two beautiful babies and her very nice camera (remember, she is my professional family photographer) partook in to a beautiful waterfall. I believe the story details were a mush of this: Mama Anna wanted a photo with her babies. Babies had already been struggling that day as all the babies in the crew do every so often....and Anna takes a slip or perhaps back up too far into a large rock or boulder....regardless of the finessing of the details, a stressed mama's camera lens was lodged between her thigh and boulder, dislodged, and went for a daredevil dive over the waterfall.

She had had a day y'all and this was the cherry atop the whipped cream on the ice cream sundae. Yet, my soul mentor portrayed a beautiful example to all of our friends and the children present of a graceful nature and heart. Y'all know home girl had to be dying, screaming, and breaking down inside. But, she merely made a face of anguish and only repeated how everything was fine. I was not on this hike with her I will remind you so it is evident how beautiful her grace is that it traveled back to me.

It was a tale of tales in our hiking group. A tale I took home with me and that really grew my Spirit that day. Often I reflect on that story now and her nature and response and her grace with everything that was that day. I had a conversation with God in the shower as I thought about it and I asked God to help my Spirit to pause, reflect, think, and have grace before I responded to people. I have such an unforgiving and unkind fuse with those that I find incompetent, lazy, rude, or careless. I still do not have a lot of tolerance for such characteristics in behavior yet, I feel that the Holy Spirit is working on my soul and my Spiritual heart and eye sight to remind me to first breathe, smile, and watch my voice and tone. It is the most complicated thing for me. I am truly flawed at offering grace like God.

Why is it important? Well, folks, I'll tell ya. First of all God could have chosen not to have grace on all of mankind and our sinful natures. He could have easily chosen as the King of all creation to condemn us to Hell without a chance at eternal life with Him. And the reason we have a choice to love God and live eternally with Him is because of His grace to forgive us of all of our wrong doings and sinful attitudes, mindsets, and behaviors. We have wronged God over and over and over every single day. We have cursed Him, lied to Him, disobeyed Him, ran from Him, turned Him down, ridiculed Him, spat on His great name. And every time we do this, we forget how God deeply loves us so much that He sacrificed His own son to bear our sins so that we may be considered clean and washed white that we may enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The Holy Spirit must fill our hearts. It is not enough to simply believe. Satan believes God is really after all. We must ask for our souls to be filled with the Holy Spirit and thus our actions will look much more like that of God. The fruits of the Spirit after all are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self control. All of these work together and daily I know I need to tune myself to the heart of the Holy Spirit.

Just wanted to share how God decided to grow my Spirit, which I hope is a continuous growth all of my earthly life. Thankful for hiking trails with mamas who love Jesus and friends who love each other well!