Mother's Day is a Miracle For Me

I never imagined celebrating Mother's Day as an actual Mommy. It was not something I was really encouraged to have hopes for. Coping with the very likely chances that my heart would never allow me to have a baby, I relished in being an Aunt to the four cutest little kids I've ever seen. It was the closest I knew I'd ever get. And I soothed my lost chance by imagining a different life than every woman in my family. In fact, I even told people for years that I did not want children. I'd get angry in my heart when they told me I would change my mind. There was a very ugly truth below the surface level lie I had convinced myself of and I knew nobody would understand the things I'd always been told. Mind you- my pediatric cardiologist never said point blank that I cannot have children or that children would not be possible for me as for the health of my heart. In fact, I only ever had snips on the topic because I was so young. But as I got into college the topic began to be more addressed to me versus my parents. What I was told specifically was I may never be able to have children because it may be too dangerous and back then if I did- a C-Section would be the only way----that is severely frowned upon for the safety of my delivery now. Amazing how things change in a matter of a few years with new understanding, science, and research. They would truly just have to evaluate the matter at the time I was "ready." I was encouraged to not get my hopes up.

Why was it too dangerous? Why was I considered then and now to be "High Risk?" Carrying a baby really increases blood volume, weakens breathing, strains vessels, and lowers blood pressure. These things are all normal and to be expected for any pregnant woman. For me- because my heart already struggles with overworking and is enlarged- nor is my breathing normal thanks to my lack of a pulmonary valve- it makes these normal things worse, and risky. My body also has a very high and likely chance of miscarriage. Miscarriage is sadly common as is- my risk if I'm not mistaken began at a 30% chance of miscarriage...best case scenario.

For my baby, again, she stood a great risk of being miscarried, but scariest at all (if you understand why)- she would have a great chance of inheriting my heart defects. Cardiac birth defects are the most common. 1 in 100 babies are born with congenital heart defects. Because I am that 1 in 100- she had 2x a greater chance of inheriting my heart. I believe this terrified me more than anything. Knowing that my desire to have a baby --should I pursue it when the husband God chose for me came along--could very likely have such a dangerous risky start and hard lifestyle- made it hard for me to imagine safely having a baby. I'll remind you...I am the exception...as rare as my conditions are-- I practically live a more active and healthy unlimited lifestyle than the person without heart problems. This is NOT normal. I should truly be dead or a vegetable. It is ONLY by God's grace I live as I do- it is ONLY by His miracle that I am who I am. Knowing that my baby could have a vegetative life or a limited and restricted life was quite daunting. So again I swept my feelings under a rug and ignored the idea of a baby. I didn't want to harm an innocent baby. I'd be an Aunt and an Aunt alone.

But things changed. God always is surprising...I don't know why I am still surprised at His surprises but they are always earth rocking and GOOD! The time came 4 years ago when God FINALLY sent me the husband I so desired and stayed single for- only wanting to date my husband and not some random man. (Another story for another day). Eric came along and it didn't take us any time at all to claim each other as our truest love. I had even told him whilst he pursued me that I didn't want children. (The usual lie I'd convinced myself of- he needed to know immediately.) He was shocked and could not believe as much as I love children and babies and being an Aunt that I could actually not want children. But- because he had come from a much less than perfect situation prior to me- this did not bother him as I thought it would....it turns out we were both lying to ourselves. I lied to myself and everybody as I didn't want my hopes up. He lied to himself because he loved me like he had never known love and desired me more than anything.  I eventually explained to him the risks of me being pregnant and I think this helped make more sense to him and it scared him as well. He shared my realistic fear. We were happy to just be the two of us forever even if we wanted more with one another. (This was all in weeks of meeting---we fell in love FAST!) (When it's a God thing it's obvious...).

4 months into our relationship we had already spoken about marriage and knew this was on the road for us. I took Eric to my first cardiology check up with my new then, now current cardiologist. I had just turned 23 and was seeing a non peds doctor for the first time for my heart. The problem is- there was no specialty for adults with CHD's up until then. And there are only two in our state. Anyway- I took Eric because these check ups are really big deals- special days. My parents went with me still until I was like 24. Then the duty became fully Eric's. I didn't take my parents to other doctor appointments but this was one that it was natural to take them to until I had a husband to be my hand of support. God again knew what He was doing. His timing is perfect on EVERYTHING. Eric was new but very serious in my life and here we were meeting my new doctor together and we had already had the conversation about children for our future. All was golden. Until ironically my doctor gave me some unexpected news. As you who follow me regularly already know- it was at this appointment I learned for the first time in my life that I will always need heart surgery. My valves will always need to be replaced. It may even still likely be open heart surgery again. So as I get the shock that I will need surgery again- the precious cardiologist also now tells Eric and I that I CAN have children. The same risks I gave before do not go away however- my heart is strong and I have been durable and I give good reason to believe and trust that I can carry a baby--minding the risk factors. That was shock #2 of the day....then she explained I would be best to get pregnant before having the heart surgery (then expected to be in 3-5 years; 4 years later and I have not digressed at all so there is no telling when! Praise God!) I would need to get pregnant before my heart got to a point of being too weak and being on the border of surgery. Once I have my first valve replacement repair (ever!) then it will be really frowned upon to intentionally get pregnant again as this will weaken a temporary (10-15 year) repair. It is best to get pregnant before needing surgery. It will be a bit riskier to get pregnant after having the repair only because I could damage or weaken the new valve...even though my heart and body should ideally be functioning faster with the new valve.

Well all of this was a HUGE shock. I never lost my faith in God- my first reaction was to pray with Eric and the doctor. I leaned on God immediately. I clung to Him immediately. But it still shocked my system. "I can have kids....I have to do it very soon.....I am not even married....I want time to be married.....I have to have more heart surgery.....I don't know what to do...." Eric was a solid rock for me. We sat in silence many nights after this on our couch. Just processing- thinking-letting the emotions roll. Until one night, Eric finally spoke as neither of us could it seemed for days talk about the elephant in the room. It was late- and I remember so sweetly he asked me if we could consider adopting. And I just poured into tears. The thing was- now I knew I could have children- but y'all we just weren't there yet! We hadn't even made it down the aisle yet!! I got up and went to a dark room alone and cried and cried so hard rocking on my knees with nervous energy. I wanted to be able to give Eric "our baby" when the time was right...but we only had so much time we could achieve that according to medical standards. I knew I didn't desire to adopt. I think God has to give you the heart and desire for that beautiful thing and God just had not given me any road on my heart to take towards adoption. Eric came and found me and held me sooo tight. And he pulled me into his lap and he rocked me and soothed me and crying he told me, "It's ok! It's ok, we won't worry about it. We will enjoy being us. As long as I have you that is all that matters." My heart was shattered. I just knew my heart's timeline would expire before God would allow us children. I felt I was denying my future husband his great desire.

Eventually we were able to move on or not think of it and were just living our normal happy lives again! We got engaged 5 months later and we were elated! We had a FOREVER long engagement...to this day I do not even know why I chose a date so far out...I mean yes, it was my parent's anniversary and it was super special- but dang, if I had known it would have been that tortuous to wait another year and a half to be married....just don't have long engagements people!! Haha! During this engaged period of life, the baby thing came up again. But it was not by either of us. We have a dear friend and neighbor who shared with us one night the details of a long desire to have a second child and the struggle of infertility. She told us all about the treatments, the stress, the tears, the giving up and then finally God gave them their second beautiful baby girl. It was that night through that story God pulled on my heart with all He had. I knew then, that I wanted a baby in the next year or two. I did not care about my pending heart surgery. Eric and I could live our lives as a happy married couple, not rushing life, continually praying and then- we would seek the expertise of the cardiologist to see if I were still healthy and strong enough to have a baby. I just trusted that time was no longer an issue. It wasn't me- it was God. God just told me to not give up the desire but to rather grasp onto it and still enjoy life being married and doing whatever we wanted when we wanted. So I told Eric I needed to speak to him one day after church. I told him the revelation God gave me and told him I wanted to have a baby and I was not worried about rushing it nor about my heart. We agreed to pray over it and speak with my doctors when the time came. I saw his precious dimples flicker and his eyes fill with joy and hope. But he did not want to get his hopes up too high- as this was all still a risk. We were both happy and excited but trying to remain practical.

One year ago- Eric came home from a quick hang out with a friend of his who is a daddy. They talked the entire night about the things this dad did with his son and Eric felt a pull from God. He didn't want to wait much more! He came home to me---already in bed at 9:30! And in the dark he opened his heart up to me and with tears expressed he was ready and did not want to wait another year. (We had previously talked about 6 months to a year). We had a big vacation planned to Seattle, WA and Victoria, CA that August of '16. I told him, "ok!" We won't wait anymore. We will take our vacation and start trying after that! His tears cleared up. It was dark but I could see light all over him beaming and glowing- happy and excited. I met with my doctors and they were elated and told me I was in great shape and health to start trying that fall. They did have me do a stress test to be certain and I surpassed their expectations, because of God! September of '16 we started trying and November '16 I found out I was pregnant!! I was overjoyed and elated!! My heart was not denying me something I never thought I would have!

Then, the terror began as I have written vaguely about before. I hemorrhaged for the next 9 weeks worse than anything I had ever seen before. The doctors told me twice I was miscarrying- even sent me to the ER. But no! I was NOT miscarrying. My body was not doing what was the most likely risk in my situation. My little baby remained safely in my womb. Eric saw the heartbeat that night at the ER and he said to me, "There was still a little flicker." Hence why Ellie is nicknamed "Flicker". She survived. God strengthened my faith and trust by allowing me to experience two very potential miscarriages on one baby only for them to be proven wrong and false! Ellie is a fighter like her mommy had to be when I was so little as well.

It is a miracle I can be pregnant. It is a miracle my first ever baby is still safely in my tummy. It is a blessed miracle that our little darling has NO heart defects whatsoever. It is honestly unthinkable and nearly unheard of that none...not one...of the risks I was foretold I'd likely have came to fruition. I never imagined I could have a baby. And while she is still cooking for another ~13.5 weeks....she is our baby.

Mother's Day means more to me now than it ever has before. I get to be a mommy! I am some precious, healthy, darling girl's mommy and I can't believe it!! She may be in my tummy still when Mother's Day roles around in May- but I still know I am already a mommy and will now forever be one! And that is one of the greatest roles ever. I am working to keep her safe and healthy in my body. I am working to teach her about Jesus on a daily basis as we read God's word and listen to songs that praise Him, and she hears me pray to her creator. I am working to be selfless and put her needs before my own. And I am growing and nourishing a miracle. A miracle for me, for Eric, and for Ellie. Whom I am sure God has amazing huge plans for- as I should never have been able to get pregnant in the first place, she almost miscarried twice, who God did not give heart or any birth defects as would have been very likely. He must have big plans for our baby girl!

I praise my awesome God. I cry in admiration and humility and graciousness nearly daily as I thank Him for allowing me the privilege and honor to celebrate a day I never thought I'd know firsthand. Thank you, God. Thank you, to all wonderful mother's out there. Happy Mother's Day!

 The night we told everybody it was a GIRL!

Ellie at 24 weeks