Now, I feel more than ever is the time in my life to "write down" my memories as so much life is happening so fast...so much dear, precious, sweet, life. Therefore, this is my first of "Mommy Moments" blogs in my Gladden to be a Gladden blog.
When I first had Ellie...I begged and pleaded for her to sleep. I was going insane. "Pleaseeeeeee Lord, let her sleep more than 45 minutes, please God!!" (People who said newborns slept 18 hours per day...lied.) Then, she was old enough to sleep train and she rocked it and I was always SO excited to leave a sleeping baby in her crib for the entire night. Releasing her heavy sleepy head from my dead sleeping arm that had embraced her to rock her was the most of an adrenaline rush I got in those first few months. Just keeping it real, y'all. Then, I started missing her while she was asleep, and found myself spying in on her to watch her sleep and to wish I could snuggle right up beside her.
Tonight, I felt an entirely new sensation in my maternal nature and experience. Tonight, I fed Ellie her bedtime bottle, and once she was finished she laid peacefully still, clasping her precious long fingers over her tummy and staring up into my eyes with a satisfied little grin on her face. She does not normally do this. Like clock work, every evening once she has sucked her bottle down, she thrashes and jumps around wildly, happily, and ready for her crib. That girl is not a cuddler. She has always wanted me, her mommy, when sleepy, but she never likes to sit still long so snuggles are rare around here. I didn't even know what I was really missing. But tonight...oh tonight....I looked down at that happy little satisfied Ellie face and my heart began to swell. I kissed her and laid her over my right shoulder to gently pat a burp out of her. She laid her little head in the crook of my neck. While she does normally do that, it only lasts seconds before she is bouncing around like she is on a trampoline. Tonight, she kept her warm, fuzzy, soft, little head in my neck, cooed, and slowly scratched my shoulder. I felt so gleeful that there are really no words to describe the literal swell I felt within my chest. I held her and held her. Forgetting our routine of immediately lying her down. Who cares? This is the first time I have ever felt these such emotions at bedtime. I mean, I always love holding and feeding her and saying our prayers, but this was all so new, tonight. Call me a monster if you will, but I will not lie, I am always thankful for how well Ellie goes down and sleeps, that I look forward to finally slipping out and showering and eating and vegging out on my "reality" TV shows, and finally discovering "Emily" again...that I have never gotten to experience this moment. And let me remind you...Ellie never wants to snuggle, she wants to be put right to bed. She LOVES her bed. So for the first time in 10 months, apart from the wee little baby who needed to be soothed and cuddled at such a time, Ellie initiated snuggles with me, and I threw my rule book out the window. Snuggles it is. I stroked her head, and rubbed her back while she continued to sweetly scratch my shoulder and "sing" to me.
Eventually, I laid her down, yet I kept my right hand in her left over her tummy, and used my left hand to cover her with a blankie, and stroke her hair and face. The entirety of this time, Ellie peacefully and quietly laid there, looking me in the eyes with her bright hazel green gems of eyes and I watched them slowly start to hide beneath heavy lids. I felt the grip of her hand lighten and her breathing deepen as it drifted her away to dreams. I began crying out of just the most intense amount of love and joy I have ever felt. It is so true to say "I love you more and more every passing day." I don't know how that is possible but I can assure you it is true. I watched her then, and I prayed gratitude prayers to God over her. I tried to etch and burn this picture into my mind for forever. I took a picture of her as she had already drifted far away, likely dreaming of ocean waves and puppy dogs. I didn't want to leave her. This is truly truly the greatest and most honorable, undeserving gift God could have ever bestowed upon me. I am far from a perfect person or mother. Yet, moments like these remind me why I want to daily put my best foot forward first for God, then my family. It was such a silent yet loud way of her telling me, she wants me, needs me, appreciates me, and loves me. This little girl holds all her hope in me! (and Eric!) I pray one day she loves and relies on the even greater love of God, her Father, far more than the love she showed me she had for me, tonight. I could have a thousand hard days, and 30 minutes of a moment like this would melt all those away.
It is the most love I have ever felt for Ellie and that is wild to say as I have always felt there was no way I could love her more, better, or harder. There is really no better adventure than being a mommy.
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