Oh dear Heavens today was such an emotional day for me! I signed Ellie up months ago for "Princess Ballet" with our studio meaning we would be saying good-bye to Mommy and Me class after two awesome years. She is moving on without me. In fact, a few months ago, I forgot that I made that decision and our friend and studio owner/ teacher, Carrie was like ....no girl....you put her in the big girl class! And I almost started crying even then!
Fast forward to today:
I washed and dried Ellie's hair today after some serious messy play. As I was combing and styling her hair, she was talking to me about dance. She LOVES LOVES LOVES dance. She was saying that her baby doll, Baby Lily, wanted her mommy to go to dance with her. Ellie is Baby Lily's mommy, of course. Having studied child psychology and development in college thoroughly alongside medical courses, I always try to listen to what she is working out through her items of comfort...in this case, Baby Lily. I asked her if Baby Lily was going to dance? Ellie told me Lily was going to dance and her mommy would not be with her, but it's ok! Then I asked her if she was ready to dance today. She said, yes ma'am, I am. I asked, "You will be doing big girl dance without mommy beside you. But you will be with friends. Are you excited for this?" She replied that she was and it's ok because mommy would be watching close by. I can hear her reassure herself when she does this. It makes me really proud of her because I can see her embracing something new and preparing her own heart for the new thing.
We then went off to dance and she was quiet the entire ride as we listened to "The Sleeping Beauty" by Tchaikovsky. When we arrived she perked right up and I knew she was ok. In fact...I knew she was beyond ok. She was perfect. She was ready and excited, confident, and happy. That made my heart so happy to know that. She even asked to pose for the "1st Day" photo booth! We go inside, see old dance friends who are back in class together again and cheer each other's kids on and it's a happy hallway full of squealing, giggling, smiling girls and moms all taking photos. Ellie went straight into her studio and didn't look back. She obeyed, listened, participated, and thrived. I cried. I sat there on the bench watching from the hall beside my friend and I just welled up hot tears in my eyes and my lips ugly curled inside my mask. My little tiny baby girl who began dance with me at one year old.....was just going at it like she was a little pro. Gah! I'm tearing up writing. It was like watching her grow a foot right before my eyes. You see, when we first began dance it was 25 months ago and she was TINY and unsure, and scared, crying, and only ever wanted to be held. It was precious. This past year she did great just on her own but still wanted my lap, my hand, and my encouragement every now and again even through our recital just last month. Today, I saw a little baby turn into a little girl and she just flourished as I gave up one of my roles alongside her. I don't like giving those things up. I love that she is independent and above her age level in most all ways and that I can usually reason with her like a level headed child instead of a crazy toddler but I actually love her needing me and wanting me and her holding on to me. I tremble in my chest at the touch of her hands holding mine or wrapping her arms around my neck. I genuinely enjoy Mommy & Me ballet but I did put her in the big girl class because I knew she was ready. I am so proud of her.
Watching her perform without fear and without question on day one without mommy was like really shocking and different and new. I can't describe it. But it was a beautiful heartbreak. A good heartbreak. She is growing strong in self and in confidence. This is all awesome. She was also just insanely adorable.
And when class was over, she gathered up her notebook and purse and walked out to me smiling this cheeky happy smile like, "Mommy, did you see me?! I did it!" And I started crying again and I trembled again and goodness my lungs are trembling now recalling it all because that pride she had in herself and that she knew her mommy would have in her....she looked me right in my eyes searching for my joy and pride in her and I squealed and hugged her and the whole way home she talked about what she did and was mentioning how proud I am of her.
Also, when I put her in her car seat, I held her soft precious face in my hands and looked her in the eyes and told her "Ellie, I am SO proud of you!" She smiled so sweet, her little soul filled "my mommy loves me" smile and she looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'm proud of you too." Well of course I got the lung trembles again and almost began to cry, but then she added, "Tomorrow, you will get to dance by yourself, too." 😆 She thinks I am continuing on in dance without her as well! Precious!!! Of course, I would totally take my own dance class though. I love dance! She just thinks we are both growing up! Ha! Cutie! I suppose we both are in a way.
I'll never ever be able to put into proper or enough words the feelings in my soul I felt today. I know its just a 30 minute little girl's dance class...but that's my little girl and man....raising her is my greatest pleasure and joy. SO proud of her.
Also: Check out this flash back from 2018 vs 2020:
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